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Did I Shave My Legs for This?

God, if I'd known dating would've been this tough, I'd joined a convent years ago.

The Liberation of Being Alone

Greetings all!  Fall is upon us whenever summer decides to take its leave.  I think everyone will be glad when summer decides to depart.  As summer is trying its best to hang on, so is my single status.  LOL!  You knew it was coming.  Blog after blog, post after post, my singleness has not changed but my insight has shifted.

I will not sacrifice my spirit for a man.

I will repeat that again.

I will not sacrifice my spirit for a man. Hella Bomb

As time passes, days turn into nights, weeks into months and months into seasons there are times when I’m concerned with being in a relationship but more often than not, I’m not concerned.  What I’m more concerned with is my spirit.  When was the last time you ever just wondered or pondered about your spirit? The double-edged sword that comes with being alone, is being alone.  Sometimes you love it and sometimes the quiet is loud and it gives you the opportunity to really reflect.  Reflection is good.

My Spirit

My spirit is enigmatic.  There are times when my spirit is loud, it’s rambunctious and restless.  I want to travel, explore and do hoodrat shit with my friends and it’s glorious.  Many of my best memories are built from the enigma that is me.  You can’t put me into a box, I won’t fit.

My spirit is discerning.  I read vibes, I listen to my body, my heart, my mind, and thus my spirit moves accordingly.  Everyone doesn’t deserve the privilege of being near me because we’re not traveling in similar paths in life.  I think it’s selfish to take up or entertain someone that you know you can’t get down with.  Listen to the signs.  They are there for a reason.

My spirit is nurturing.  To the people who are in my life, they will tell you that it’s something in my spirit that makes sure that I take care of those who I love, even when they don’t necessarily return the favor.  I am the friend who will have all of the necessities in my purse for a night out, I am the friend that will make sure you eat physically and metaphorically and who will put your wants before that of my own.  With that being said, my spirit loves to nurture, but my spirit cannot be trampled.

My spirit is sensual.  I embrace my feminity straight from the motherland punctuated by melanin shining on the surface and rooted in the truth of my goodness.  My sensuality isn’t to be shared with just anyone.

So again, I won’t sacrifice my spirit for a man.  But my spirit will be adorned by a king.

The Realization

I have come to the realization that I just may wind up alone for the rest of my life because what I desire in a king may not be in the environment in which I reside.  My energetic, enigmatic spirit cannot be cultivated with a man who doesn’t have the financial resources to accompany me as I explore.  Money equates to power and power equates freedom.  Finance has its place in romance despite what people will have you believe.  Realize this.  If I was to sacrifice this restless portion of my spirit, am I truly being fair to myself?  What about the inviting part of my spirit?  Shit, put it on out there, everyone isn’t deserving.  Do I put up with the asshole just because he’s there?  Absolutely not.  Exit stage left.  Somewhere along the line, many women allowed many men to feel as though the only qualifications that they need are a penis and a pulse and that makes them deserving of us.  Well, not this woman.  If my spirit deflects you, so will I.

My nurturing spirit needs to make my love a sandwich.  I want to sing Ella Mai’s Breakfast in Bed while providing such.  Nurturing has its place, therefore, it must be given to the right man, not just anyone.  The nurturing of one’s significant other is quite different from the nurturing of a child.  A child deserves nurturing simply upon creation but a significant other only receives such when they reciprocate the care.  A man who provides emotional security deserves a nurturing environment but one who only brings chaos isn’t deserving of my love.

After a series of bad dates.  A couple of ghosting instances the realization came to me.  I’m not saying that I lost hope, I’m saying that I faced the reality.  What I desire in my love life just may not happen.  Relationships are no longer partnerships of people who want to share instead situations where someone is trying to feed off the other person.  Scientifically, humans are no longer in symbiotic relationships anymore, instead, they are more parasitic in nature.  I wasn’t raised to be a parasite nor the prey.

I won’t allow my spirit to be preyed upon but I pray that spirit is cherished by the right king.  With the appreciation of my spirit and the pride that I have in cultivating such, I am liberated by the fact that alone my spirit is intact.  That is a beautiful thing.  Therefore if my lone status is eradicated, just know that my spirit won’t be hurt either.  A relationship is built on compromise, that I don’t mind but sacrifice I will not do.

With this realization, I am liberated. Never Settle

SMOOCHES!

My spirit is a gift from God but it was cultivated by Papi.  He is coursing through every enigmatic, energetic thing that I do.  He taught me to be loving and to be a great friend, as time goes on without my dear friend, EJ, sadness still lingers but the hope is greater.  If these two men who were taken from me loved me unconditionally, certainly there lies someone else but just in case there isn’t,  I can remember that for a very long time, there were two.  Me

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The Hypocrisy of It All

Greetings all!  I pray that you’re having a really nice spring and you’re looking forward to some great family time with the upcoming holidays and some fun in the sun.  I know that I am.  I’m currently looking for some ideas for Memorial Day so if you have any, I am all ears.  Well a certain subject has reared its head and I think I should speak on it.  This particular subject is always around in the single, black community and it’s always a hot button issue, which is the idea of interracial dating.  It comes back more times than a rapper out of retirement and James Brown back to the stage when he’s put on his red cape.  The subtopics that exist within the concept is the phenomenon of black men in power or wealth who intentionally date outside of their race and in some cases the same thing occurs with affluent black women.  I tried to avoid this topic but when it kept appearing in pop culture, I felt like I needed to speak on it.  Issa Book

“This is why I propose that black women and Asian men join forces in love, marriage, and procreation.  Educated black women, what better intellectual match for you than an Asian man?”-Issa Rae

The aforementioned quote is quite interesting.  Insecure‘s creator and star, Issa Rae, published that bit of advice in her book and it took the internet by storm last week.  Some people said that it was hypocritical on the part of black women because we’re always complaining about affluent black men purposefully seeking out women of other races and they bypass the sisters.  While some people didn’t have any issues with it because they have the “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” philosophy for the same reasons and think the time is now for payback.  I mean it’s been a trend with powerful black women to turn the tables on their counterparts.  You have Serena Williams, Janet Jackson, Eve, Zoe Saldana and Alfre Woodard who have already demonstrated that happiness doesn’t have to be achieved with a black man.  It’s all quite, interesting.  Mariah Issa

The Storm Continues…..

Now last week a lot of black men had a problem with us being hypocrites by praising Eve but being mad at Kanye.  This storm ensued with the criticism of Donald Glover, Mr. Childish Gambino, after he came out with a piece of art that is beyond woke.  Some critics said he wasn’t really “woke” because his mate was a white woman.  Which arose the question, could an Issa or Donald be truly woke if they were willing to go outside of their race for the most important decision of their lives? Interesting.

The Hypocrisy of It All…..

Let’s be honest.  Love is supposed to be blind.  Well hell, so is justice.  But in this country, is either?  I’ll be the first to admit that my image of happiness in a mate is the personification of a black king.  It ain’t nothing more beautiful than a Mandika-Zulu-Warrior looking chocolate specimen with a smile like Michael B. Jordan and swag of Nas.  But then that arises another question, exactly which “black” men do we really want?  Do we prefer those ones like Michael B. Jordan and shun those who are more like Donald Glover?  Donald Glover

Are we more inclined to want a certain type of black man and if he doesn’t fit into that criteria, we cast him aside but then get mad when he chooses a non-melanated individual?  If this is true, why hadn’t we considered that maybe black men who wind up with others have possibly not attracted the type of black woman that he wanted and it was just easier for him to wind up with someone else?  Can we just consider that it could possibly not have been about race?

Stereotypes

There are a lot of stereotypes that are attached to black women, hell women in general.  But we’ve got to get away from that, as well as the stereotypes that go along with any group of people.  I think the true hurt that manifests itself with a lot of black women is that when our kings say they prefer not to date or marry us after we’ve supported their careers and progression in multiple ways.  The hurt intensifies when a black man has had children with black women.  With that, you’re saying we’re good enough for you to knock up but not good enough to wed.  Or when you were trapping in the hood you had a Kesha, but when you get your record deal and the come up, you seek out a Karreuche.  The intention creates a lot of the hurt.  Let’s explore some of these stereotypes.

Harmful Stereotypes vs.  The Reality

  1.  Sisters are Loud……  No, sisters are passionate and spirited.  You’ll want that Cookie Lyon when the white man is trying to pull something over your ass.
  2. Sisters are Hardheaded…. No, sisters are natural leaders, treat us as partners and you won’t have that issue, Eve came from Adam’s rib, not his ass.  So if you want us to get behind you, be careful with the wording of that.  Do you want to build with us or make a damn fool out of us?  We have no problem with being led if you can lead.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow you to take me through hell.
  3. Sisters are gold-diggers…. Uh, goal maybe, didn’t you hear that black women are the most degreed and lettered demographic in these United States?  So snap up the right one and build an empire with.  With that being said, I’m working on this doctorate, do you think I’m going to allow myself to get jammed up by someone’s dusty ass promiscuous son with four child support orders?  Uh, hell no.  You oughta want a Keisha Ka’oir on your team.  Ask Gucci.
  4.   Sisters are baby mamas….. Well hell we didn’t knock ourselves up.  By the same token that you want your BM to take care of the child, you should want to take care of yours as well and stop making them with every damn woman you see.  I’m no one’s baby mama and I don’t think anyone has ever aspired to become such.  And if she did, regardless of her color, run.
  5. Sisters are violent….. Well that’s untrue, because I’m not here for it, the first time a man hits me, he’d better be ready to remember the memory of me, because he is done.  I will leave him completely alone and he will be staring at the end of a restraining order and pistol if he doesn’t take my word for it.  That’s not violent, that’s diligent.  I’ll be damned if I have to fight the world and then have to come home and fight as well.  I’m not bringing war to my home in any shape, form or fashion.  Also, my summation…. Tiger Wood’s wife, Elin Nordegren, now you can’t get any whiter than her, and she went postal on his black ass.  LOL!

With all of that being said.  What I don’t want to happen for black men and women is for us to turn our backs on each other.  We have the world who has already done that.  I don’t feel like Issa, Alfre, Eve, Janet nor Serena are any less woke because they have white men as their spouses nor do I feel that way about Donald Glover either.  Now when a black man ultimately decides that we’re not good enough for them when they came from a black woman, we don’t want that man anyway.  Fuck him.  When a black woman says the same, she’s not a sister either, fuck her.  As I don’t want us to give up on one another, I don’t want us to limit ourselves either.  What if for the sake of sanity, the man who is going to be the best option for you in every conceivable way just happens to be devoid of melanin, who are we to say no?  If a man has dated every sister that has turned his head and it doesn’t work out and he meets a white woman who brings him what he needs, then by all means, ride off into the sunset with her, just don’t ever turn your back on us.  We have to be there for one another because if we don’t, we are truly doomed.

SMOOCHES!

Mother’s Day is approaching and I have two mothers that I have to shop for.  The mother that I was born with, and the mother of my dear, departed friend EJ.  I take pride in doing so, because I know that if he was down here and I was up there, he’d do the same.  See that’s what real friends do, they take up the slack and reciprocate.  So many of us are in “friendships” that aren’t reciprocal but instead it’s a parasitic where one person is preying off of the relationship and the other person isn’t getting a thing.  I am so glad that my friendship with you dear friend was anything but that.  As long as there is breath in my body and I am able, your family will have me to lean on, to call on, and to pray for them.  I miss you dear friend.  You were truly one of a kind and your friendship showed me what friendship was really about.  I love you.  Rest in love dear brother. 

Sole Ruler

Sometimes being the master of your own fate can be perceived as desired but that’s not always the case.  The average independent woman doesn’t want to be the sole ruler however due to many societal factors sometimes that is the outcome.  Just because a queen has to manage her kingdom alone doesn’t mean that is her desire. A true queen would rather rule with a worthy king however until that king is discovered, it is best for all that she rules alone.  

African Queen 2

 

What made Prince Charming charming or even a prince,

What did he do in order to convince,

Every maiden looking that he was worthy,

Why does this man think he deserves me?

 

You see, a girl wonders if she’s enough…a woman knows,

A girl cares about the fairytale, women don’t care how the story goes,

I used to wonder, what must I do, to be that royal,

Coming up short by their “standards” no matter how I toil.

 

Time passed, things changed and my mind was reset,

“You are love.  You are regal and don’t you forget.”

Never forget how beautiful, smart, kind and strong you are,

You are the entire universe while they’re wishing upon a star.

 

Your king will praise your intellect, admire your wonder,

He will bask in your imagination and smile as you wander.

What man would seek to crush your enigmatic spirit,

A man who is threatened by your accomplishments and merit.

 

Your king will come to build, protect and to fulfill,

He wants to cultivate your dreams, not to destroy or kill.

If he is a yet a prince, you alone will make him a king,

You’ll wear his love as a garment, and his praises you’ll sing.

 

Chin up love, chin up princess, chin up your majesty,

You see he has to learn charm, while you were born royalty.

Your king is not ready for his throne, not just yet,

But you are enough.  You are worthy, don’t you ever forget.

African Queen 1

 

SMOOCHES

 

To My Black Kings

I summon you, black Kings, you have neglected your duties,

Is it because of internal strife or harsh realities?

We have been patient, although loud with our cries,

That have gone unanswered time and time through countless tries.

King, reclaim your throne.

We birth you, we rear you, yet you retreat and we miss you….

Why must you shun the same locks that you possess,

Love us as we love you and your dreaded tresses.

King, embrace your queen.

We are not perfect, your highness neither are you,

Despite it all we make sacrifice after sacrifice, all for you.

When you are excellent, we celebrate along, shouting high,

And when you fall short, we’re still supportive with each try.

King, please take responsibility.

Yes, we are vocal, we have a lot to say, our words are preparation for you on your way.

Embrace our voice, even in silence a queen in always heard,

But you think our sole purpose is never to speak or lead, only to serve.

King, wake up, open your eyes.

When you have nothing, we are there… will she stay?

The melanin-deprived one with whom you vow to stay?

Will she be there when your kingdom is crashing down?

Because we queens are always here, we’re always around.

King, reclaim the truth.

Through our loudness is wisdom and revered guidance,

Through our hard work is resiliency and perseverance.

Look in the mirror, as you love yourself, you should love your reflection,

That reflection is us—-loving, bold, strength striving for perfection.

King, love us as we love you.

 

 

 

 

The Royal Order

A full moon trumpeted the arrival of a baby girl,

Her tiny hands and bright eyes silenced the noise of the world.

Mother rejoiced in the beauty and blessing from whence she came,

Father appreciated the triumph and power that she reigned.

 

Babe you are your mother’s glory, your father’s peace.

 

Time stops for none, the world creeps into upbringing and preparation,

Year after year your birth is still a blessed celebration.

But every year, more innocence is lost,

As parents interfere, guide and protect at any cost.

 

Darling you are your mother’s angel and your father’s princess.

 

The elders’ wisdom plus worldly influences influence so much,

She’s building an arsenal of knowledge, truth, friendship, love and trust.

Adolescence is a troubling time, yet she is anything but alone,

Refuge lies in the lovely garment created of the fabric the family has sewn.

 

Young lady you are your mother’s strength and your father’s weakness.

 

Father feeds knowledge equipped with cautionary tales of reality,

Mother wraps her in the art of femininity coupled with spirituality.

Her crown is strengthening with jewels of ancestral heirlooms and societal charms,

She knows her people need her to succeed and excel, while society wants her to conform.

 

Today you become your mother’s legacy and your father’s warrior.

 

“There is no settling”, her father strictly demands,

“You must strive for excellence always”, her mother commands.

“Faith over fear”, heed always your father’s advice,

“Look before you leap, talk only after listening twice.”

 

Young goddess, you are your father’s weapon and your mother’s heiress.

 

You inherit the weight of the world from a world that is ungrateful,

Tasked with looking after men who are unworthy and women who are spiteful.

Regardless your task is great and your worth is endless,

Embrace your regal status, it is yours immeasurable and timeless.

 

Greetings your highness…for today, you are a queen.

 

Without a king at your throne, you are still a queen,

You harness your father’s power you will always reign supreme.

No man can tarnish what you have cultivated or created,

No man is worth settling, belittling, is it you who made it.

 

Once groomed your king will arrive, for kings are made while Queens are born.  

Things We’re Leaving in 2017

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bis6JfIXjCxPQ4CTK3ne6ivgnWJfatoU

Greetings all!  I pray you all have had a wonderful holiday season and that you’re looking forward to a fresh new start in 2018.  I know I certainly am.  By the way, whoever did Voodoo on my love life in 2016 and 2017 I’d appreciate it if you’d lift that shit ASAP.  LOL!  Hey, I had to throw a joke in there, if you can’t make fun of your dysfunctional, non-existent love life, then what good is having one?  With that being said, 2017 has been interesting from a spectator’s point of view and I’ve witnessed some things that I know both men and women are tired of dealing with, so I asked about 8 adults of the opposite sex, what exactly would they like to see left in 2017 as it pertains to dating?  And, the countdown begins.

#10. Closed-Minded Ideals

According to my friend, Jayla (I’m using pseudonyms here people, but the sexes match) she thinks that we should get rid of our closed-minded ideas when it comes to dating due to superficial preferences.  With this particular baggage, I agree, to a degree.  Now I am a big advocate of attraction, there are some things that turn one on and turn you completely off but having a list of things such as skin complexion, hair preferences and sizes is just plain superficial and may be the very reason why you’re alone.  Now, I like what I like and if a guy is clean-cut and he still doesn’t float my boat, then that list is pretty much useless.  I’ve dated guys who were on the hefty side but they had sex appeal and despite my Caribbean roots, I’d prefer if my guy didn’t have dreads, but given the opportunity, I wouldn’t turn down Larry Fitzgerald at all.   That’s because those dreads are hella neat, he’s hella sexy and loves to travel the world.  Talk about a winner.  Jayla’s whole point is that her list of superficial preferences almost kept her from experiencing a great guy.  I’m so glad that she didn’t let it go too far.

#9. Social Media Over-Sharing

My friend Rob is dope.  Let me just say that, he’s one of those great male friends that you just love and he probably can do no wrong in my eyes.  He thinks that people put way too much on social media when it comes to relationships and I agree with him.  There’s nothing wrong with letting people know about your happiness but hell people won’t be engaged thirty damn minutes before that person that they met at concert five years ago knows about it.  What’s the harm in that you say?  Well, it has been my experience that most people who say that they wish you well really don’t, and who knows what type of venom they’re spitting out into the universe about your relationship.  Especially with these “He used to be in my DM’s” ass heifers and “I used to hook up with her” type boys.  Sometimes without even being aware, people are just haters and who needs that type of aggravation in their lives?  In addition, some things we just know.  If every time your man does anything you have to go bragging about it on social media, are you happy?  Really?  Are you really happy? Who are you trying to convince?  Who are you trying to impress?  Maybe you should seek therapy instead of validation from mostly strangers who really don’t give a damn about you anyway.  It’s a cold game out there and I’m so glad I have Rob to help me to play this game.

#8. InconsistencyBe the Man

My friend Holly contributed this to the conversation and I think both men and women are plain sick of this ish.  Inconsistency is infuriating, it creates unnecessary mind games and it’s downright disrespectful.  I’m an advocate of doing to others what you would want done to you and I’d never be deliberately inconsistent with someone.  This lies is in the unpredictable texts, unreliable behavior and just wishy-washy everything.  That’s no way to live or treat anyone.  Inconsistency doesn’t yield results in any situation.  What it yields is hurt and mistrust.  Imagine if you got pregnant by an inconsistent man.  I’d imagine a lot of baby fathers are symbols of inconsistency and it’s horrible parenting behavior as well.  With this realization, inconsistency needs to really be left in 2017.

#7. WYD

Oh what a tangle web we weave when we WYD all damn day.  Ugh.  I am sick of this shit.  As my friend Simone is sick of this, one has to admit that sometimes it has its perks.  Sent from the right guy at the right time this can have promising returns but let’s face it, the chances of that happening is probably about one out of ten.  So for the sake of 90% sanity, just say what you want and let’s move on.  If your ass is bored while you’re in line at Best Buy and just want something to do, don’t send me a damn WYD text if you don’t have any plans of making plans with me right then and there.  It’s the textual equivalent of dead silence on a phone.  If it’s sent by a girl or guy that you like and they have nothing on the receiving end of it, it’s the equivalent of being hit in the face with a pie.  Just walked right into that embarrassment however if it’s from someone who you don’t really want to deal with, it’s just damn annoying.  So let’s stop it people. WYD

#6. Ghosting

Ghosting is just what it sounds like.  You’re getting along well with someone whether you’re in the talking or dating stages and then poof they disappear.  There’s that doing to others what you’d want done to you again.  When someone plays Casper in your life they don’t care about you truly, they are just plain selfish.  My friend Ryan brought this to my attention and since she’s been dating this year while I hadn’t I feel her pain and that of other women as well.  I hadn’t really heard of women doing this but I’m quite sure men do this way too much.  Now I understand we’re grown and have grown people things to deal with on a regular basis but no one is too damn busy to pick up a phone and tell you in a brief conversation exactly what is going on if it’s some thing valid as to why you can’t be around.  It saves people so much anxiety when they actually know what’s going on and it keeps people from searching for closure with someone who isn’t there to seek closure with.

#5. Netflix and Chill

LOL!  You know you laughed out loud when you saw that one.  Netflix and Chill translates into you’d better be on the pill, I’ve said this a hundred times.  Luckily for me, I hadn’t indulged in this activity but plenty of men have tried to run that game shit on me, and I decline every damn time.  I’m no fool.  No, I’m not one of those women who wants a full course meal every time we go out but I believe the evidence is in one’s effort.  Netflix and Chill equals no effort and you get indoor activity.  My friend Natalie is right and we should just leave that shit in 2017.  If you’re broke, just say it and perhaps we maybe open to Netflix and Chill but leading with that shit is just plain disrespectful and it diminishes the worth of our time.  Sometimes a woman’s greatest thrill is in getting ready for a date, where’s the thrill in Netflix and Chill 3-4 times a month? GTFOH.

#4. Measuring One’s Worth in RelationshipsBlack Woman Greatness

My girl Mona is funny.  She’s a quirky type of funny that is hard to find, any man who winds up with her should love this quirky behavior.  She and I both come from families where the mother and father have loved each other forever so it’s not hard to see how sometimes she and others like her feel diminished by their single status.  Luckily for me, my parents were anything but conventional.  My Mami and Papi loved each other for 37 years until my Papi journeyed to heaven but they understood the change in the dating climate while Mona’s parents aren’t as privy to such.  Throughout the duration of this year, I have witnessed a lot of women who feel the weight of being an “old maid” many times I think that’s the reason why they run to social media for validation.  This year was a year of exploration for me.  I indulged in so many things that weren’t based on relationships that I found meanings that I never knew existed.  You can be awesome alone.  Just know that and if you’re in a relationship and you still don’t feel awesome, you need to end it.

#3. Stereotyping.

Moving along with things that should be left behind, my friend Ronnie added stereotyping races to the conversation.  He thinks that black women making blanketed comments about black men and assuming that other races don’t have similar problems should be a thing of the past.  I agree to a degree.  I don’t like stereotypes but I do believe that certain major things that are prevalent in certain races should be addressed.  We should seek to uplift one another but we must call a spade a spade.  I don’t believe that white men are better than black and I don’t think anyone should think that or vice versa but if a lot of Caucasian men are guilty of doing some foul shit then we should call them out on it as we do our African kings.  I can be the police when it comes to this shit.  For instance, there’s a white man who has tried to date me right now on my Facebook timeline who is a Trump supporter.  If he don’t get his ass on.  There is no way I can justify your existence at all.  And that’s one stereotype that I gladly stand behind.  Back to the subject at hand, you cannot assume that all black men are the same nor can you do for any other demographic.

#2. Just being in any relationship. #1. Assuming Single Equates DesperationNot Every Woman is Bitter

The last two are contributed by yours truly.  The older I get, the more distinct my preferences are.  The preferences aren’t superficial, they are real.  They deal solely with real world shit.  It’s just some things I’m not going to put up with.  It’s certain things I cannot deal with and just because a guy is breathing doesn’t mean I’m going to just be with him.  No.  Not going to happen.  I’d rather be alone than unhappy.  I am alone but very happy.  I know what I want and what I need and I’ll be damned if I’m saddled with anything less.  There are men that I can just be with, but that’s a recipe for disaster for someone like me.  I can be the sweetest person ever but by the same token I can be hella bitchy.  I didn’t grow up in dysfunction and I won’t live in it.  So just leave the notion that wonderful women should just be with someone to avoid loneliness.  Don’t disrespect my existence and don’t try to diminish it either.  Also leave the idea of hooking up your single friends up with other single friends in 2017 especially if you don’t really know either one of them well enough to determine if an impending disaster could be looming.  Doing that is condescending and trite.  Leave it alone.  Let them be great alone. Black Woman Messy Magic

Stepping into 20182018

Let’s be optimistic but realistic.  Let’s have faith over fear and love like crazy, but don’t be crazy.  I want all of us to win in 2018 but in order to do that, there are some things we must simply leave behind which aren’t limited to my top ten list.  On today, let’s do some soul searching and reflecting and devise a plan for progress in every area of life.

SMOOCHES!

As 2018 approaches, there’s an anniversary that I’m not looking forward to.  It’s the second anniversary of the day that someone unfairly took your life.  I pray that she is learning her lesson and that God has mercy on her soul.  Nothing we can do will bring you back and it hurts like hell.  I miss you so much.  There are no words to express how much you mean to me.  Your friendship was insurmountable, that’s what I miss the most.  Rest in Love EJ, keep looking out for us up there.  

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What if We….

Greetings all!  I hope that you all are preparing for a wonderful holiday season.  I, myself am eagerly anticipating some time off work to sleep and partake in some shenanigans with my friends.  Whenever we get together it’s always a memorable time.  With that being said, a recent Instagram post got me to thinking about my everlasting single status and the responsibility that lies on my shoulderS as a black woman.  The meme was quite straightforward and simple, it reads “So who waits for us while we get out shit together?”-Black women.  Pretty cut and dry question huh?  Who waits on us to get our shit together?  But the question is so loaded that if it was a potato, it’d be bursting with cheese and bacon.  First of all, we all know that no one waits on us to get our shit together, so I choose to ask some other huge questions to point out the reality that we black women carry the brunt of the world on our backs and we’ve been doing it so long that oftentimes by our male counterparts we are taken for granted. Wait

What if the roles were reversed, what if we did some of the ridiculous things that many, not all black men tend to do sometimes?

What If We Were Inconsistent With Our Careers?

You see the young black male, Cameron,  is allowed to live with his parents while he works at the temporary agency and is allowed to explore the idea of a T-shirt company or possibly joining the military as a potential career path.  Because truly, the black male is his momma’s baby while the black female, Jasmine, is that heifer that needs to get her ass out of her mother’s house as soon as possible.  Now what both Cameron and Jasmine are doing is admirable but you see Jasmine is expected to already have her career path figured out by the time she’s entered her early 20s.  In addition, as Jasmine leaves home and becomes involved with Drew, she’s expected to allow him immunity as he hustles out of the house that she’s breaking her back to pay for because her mother isn’t so welcoming.  Crazy isn’t it?  Cameron is cleared to discover himself with his mother while Drew expects the same treatment from his girlfriend.  I’m quite sure there’s huge psychological discoveries in these two scenarios.

What if Cameron becomes a lawyer and meets Melissa who is thinking of being a counselor but right now she dances most of the time until she gets tired of the club owner and sometimes she earns money on the side as a waitress but then again she’s always braiding whenever she can.  What if?  I’ll tell you what if.  Cameron would play with Melissa for a while but as soon as one of his homeboys says something about seeing Melissa at a bachelor party, poor Melissa would be history.  Pretty soon she’d get the title of “trifling”, “hoe” and “broke” as he prepares to meet someone better.  Is Cameron the villain here?  Most of society would say no, and I’d say he isn’t a villain but he isn’t exactly correct either.

What If We Had Multiples?

Society doesn’t look at Cameron and Jasmine through the same lens.  If Cameron wound up the father of three different babies with three different women his stock wouldn’t be any less off than it was when he was first enrolled into law school however if the tables were turned and Jasmine became a mother thrice with three different men things certainly would change for her.  Would Cameron, the attorney, even look her way?  You all know the answer to that, no, hell no.  But again, is he the villain here?  Is he a necessarily a bad guy?

Why Ask Us to Put Up With What You Wouldn’t?

I could ask about 100 questions, including the following about men and what they expect us to put up with but my ultimate wondering lies here, why would you want us to put up with some shit that you wouldn’t?  Why?  You don’t want a hoe, so don’t be one.  You wouldn’t like inconsistency, so be consistent.  You wouldn’t like irresponsibility, so stop running away from your responsibilities.  You wouldn’t want a lazy woman, so don’t be a lazy ass man.  You wouldn’t want us if we were broke and not trying to find direction?  So you need to man up and boss up.  If you wouldn’t want your daughter to date a man like you, you need to change.  In addition, don’t get mad at us when we call a spade a spade, if you know damn well you have enough kids to fulfill a starting lineup of a basketball or football team, don’t get mad when we say that we’re not prepared to deal with all of that.  You know damn well you wouldn’t.  You wouldn’t want a woman who’s just with you for your 6 figures and she’s not making the same, so don’t you try and do the same shit to us.  Table

The Reality

If you were a little black girl in the 90s you saw a lot of phenomenal women.  We saw Oprah for Christ’s sake as well as Hilary Clinton, Barbara Jordan, Maya Angelou, Janet Jackson, Angela Bassett and the list goes.  Consequently we saw what greatness lies in being female and many times we saw the greatness that lies in being a black female (I know Hilary isn’t a sister) so many of us aspire to be as great or greater than those women.  No one, has ever waited on us to get our shit together.  We’ve had to carry the brunt of the world since the beginning of time.  We’ve carried that weight in times of trial, through slavery as broodmares and the sexually exploited as well as in times of triumph while being labeled as “too independent” and “unwifeable”.  Society has divided us with huge forces like Willie Lynch and governmental institutions such as welfare but through it all, we’ve still flourished, we’ve still transcended into the embodiment of Black Girl Magic.  This reality isn’t necessarily harsh but instead triumphant, we know that no one waits on us to get our shit together, so to you black men, we aren’t waiting on you to get yours together either. napkin

SMOOCHES!

I had a friend, a real friend, who was working to keep his shit together and provide for his daughter.  That friend was a great father and a true embodiment of what a real man’s love is all about.  My dear friend EJ, I miss you so much.  Every time I think of texting you some absurd mess about the opposite sex, I get even sadder, I get even madder because you aren’t here.  Another anniversary of your death is looming in a month or so, and it’s still surreal to me.  How could someone take your life and take so much of our light away, that is what you meant to me.  You were so much light and a shining example of love.  I love you and I miss you.  Keep a watchful eye up there.  Lord knows I need it.  

My Life Is Mine— Single Lives Matter

Greetings all!  I pray that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I also pray that you didn’t over do it at the dinner table because we all are growing older and the overconsumption of food can be a trend that leads to so many preventable diseases.  As you can probably tell, wellness is something that is also near and dear to my heart as is this blog and a multitude of things.  Being full is a blessing, don’t become overly full due to greed.  Greed is hardly ever a good thing.  Well I am full.  I am full of optimism, I’m full of possibilities and due to the realization that I’ve just discovered, I’m especially full of pride.  During this season of Thanksgiving, I’ve had the opportunity to reconnect with friends which is something I am eternally grateful for.

The reconnection with old friends is a sign of growth and maturity, which is something we all need.  It’s a beautiful thing to reflect on how foolish you were before and how open-minded one has become going forward.  It allows you to realize which “friends” are really there for you and which ones are just there.  Trust me there’s a distinction.  Real friends are there when things get messy, difficult, hard and downright shitty.  They don’t just call you when they want something but they reach out to you because they can sense that something is off.  Real friends support you even when it’s inconvenient.

In addition to taking stock with determining who’s real and who’s really flaky, I’ve realized something at the hands of an entertainer that spoke to my soul in ways that it hadn’t been reached in quite some time.  A couple of weeks back, Tracee Ellis Ross, an award-winning actress and the daughter of an icon, Diana Ross delivered a speech that spoke to so many women.  If you haven’t witnessed her speech, please look it up, because it is needed drastically in today’s society.  Her words spoke to me and her words are the title for this post.  “My Life is Mine”.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/11/17/my-life-is-mine-tracee-ellis-ross-gives-a-rousing-pep-talk-for-single-women-everywhere/?utm_term=.e6763742fd55

Tracee

My Life is Mine

As a single, unmarried woman who is childless you can imagine that I am on the receiving end of frequent bullshit on a regular basis.  I usually get served bullshit by so-called “friends”, co-workers and society about my marital status or lack thereof.  Even though I get served this BS from three different entities on a regular basis, when it comes to my single status, all BS servers are serving the same dish.  That dish is to lower my expectations aka settle.  I get told by my “friends” that I am shallow or picky.  I get told by my co-workers that I’m looking for too much and society tells me that I should be happy with a man who is a “work in progress”.  I get told all of these things because being a 32 year old woman with no husband and no children is just tragic.  I mean what kind of meaning could I possibly have if I am not a mother nor a wife.  This is tragic. Stigma

Of course by now you know that I am not buying this garbage right?  My “friends” who say that I am too shallow or picky are not real friends.  They are not the ones who really know what it’s like to be me.  They don’t know how hard it has been to grow up in a family of queens who get their crowns dusted, trampled and damaged at the hands of men who are unworthy.  My co-workers who spit that garbage don’t know me as half as much as they think they do and by some of the “advice” that they give, I doubt it if I will ever let them get close enough to really know me.  Lastly, society can kiss my ass, because a nation that elects a pussy-grabbing pervert as their Commander-in-Chief who seems to have a whole damn band of equally sick supporters in his party is hardly in any position to give me dating tips.

I reflect what I expect.  Quite simple.  I want me a me.  Yes, you read that right.  I want an ambitious, educated, adventurous, upstanding man who has morals and who wouldn’t dream of irresponsibly bringing a multitude of children into this world by multiple women. I want a man who has goals and is geared towards a path of exploration and excellence and quite frankly unless a man is all of that, he can stay exactly where his ass is.

Single Lives Matter

Society is so narrow-minded.  There are a lot of people who actually think that if you don’t have children or a man beside you that your life is dull and meaningless.  Ha.  That is quite possibly the most absurd thing that has ever been imagined.  Now to those who have a wonderful marriage and lovely children, there is no shade at all from me.  Love your life but just because you love yours doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to love mine.  All of our lives have meaning, just different ones.  While you were planning to have a date night with your husband.  I was reconnecting with a college friend.  While you were doing your family’s laundry, I was speaking to the youth at a church.  While you were running around behind your toddlers, I was going to kickboxing class.  As you were planning a family reunion, I was attending Caribana.  As you were cooking dishes for that reunion, I was throwing paint at J’ouvert.  I met a new friend to travel with as you were searching for someone to coupon with.  I went on three road trips alone as you were exploring the new supermarket in solitude.  As you were organizing a yard sale, I was servicing the community.  You decided to invest in a new refrigerator, I decided to invest in stocks.  You made a pledge to learn how to have date night with your husband on a regular basis, I made a pledge to learn a new language.  All of these things are outlined to say this, I don’t want your life, I want my life.  If God sees fit for my life to change with a husband and kids, then it will be.  When that day comes, my life will have as much meaning then as it does now.

SMOOCHES!

Since you left, every single post that I have composed has been dedicated to you and that will continue.  Last week, justice was delivered to the sad soul that took your life.  She fainted in court due to her sentencing, but she just doesn’t know that we all are walking around with a fainted spirit since the day she took your life for no good reason.  I see that waning of happiness every time I look upon the face of those who grew up around you or who were close to you.  I deal with that waning of spirit every single day.  Every time I write a dedication to you, tears fall, every prayer that send up for your family, tears come, every prayer that I send for the souls of those who value material possessions over human lives are lubricated with those tears due to waning happiness because you are gone.  I am thankful for the friendship that you gave me and I won’t ever take it for granted.  I carry you in my spirit even though sometimes the memories hurt like hell.  Your light is another reason why settling for anything but sheer happiness is unheard of.  I know you wouldn’t let me.  Rest in love and continue to watch out for us all up there.  

Dating Welfare

Greetings all!  Fall is upon us and it’s a wonderful thing.  Personally I love the visual of the foliage and watching all of the colors emerge from the summer green.  In the dating world for those of you who are attached, it means cooler temperatures which will prompt more indoor closeness.  That is always a wonderful thing but alas for we singles, it’s just another season where we will wonder exactly how many seasons that our dating status will remain the same?  LOL!  Hey you have to laugh to keep from crying.  Humor is a powerful balm.  With that being said, no matter the season or the occasion, the world of dating never ceases to amaze me.  Recently in the land of social media, the re-emergence of closed groups has inserted itself in the dating world and I’m unhappy to report that I think it has widened the gap of possibly being in a meaningful relationship more so than ever.  Please allow me to describe and elaborate on this mess.

A Grey Bearded Mess

There are two social media groups on Facebook which has brought up a multitude of ugly truths and harsh realities for the millennials who are still out there hoping to find the real thing.  The Facebook group for Bearded Men went viral so quickly that everyone and their mother was hip to its existence.  I mean the creation of the group is huge.  It made the Huffington Post for Christ’s sake.  The creator made the group to allow bearded men to share pics and grooming tips for their facial hair however women all over the world had such a presence in the group that the purpose has warped many times over and over again.  There has even been some talk about the group being turned into a dating site.  The entire group was supposed to be a closed group and it is in namesake, but virtually anyone who is already a member of the group can allow others inside to view all the posts and utter craziness as a result.  I didn’t ask to join but needless to say many of my Facebook friends thought my presence was necessary.  For me, I categorized the women who are members as to being one of the following:

  1. Nosy: Women who just want to be privy as to what is going on.
  2. Spectators: Women who just want to look at the gorgeous men who are actually in the group.
  3. Thirst Queens: Women who are in the group hoping to get their freak on.

For me, I am the first.  My ass is just nosy.  I don’t really care about beards so much that I fawn over a guy’s facial hair and I would never ever think to find my Prince Charming online.  Why?  Because I’m overly cautious, having been the baby girl of the family and been an aunt since I was 5 years old, I have heard just about every damn dating disaster that you can think of.  Also having been a citizen of Memphis for years, I believe that many disasters follow certain people because they leave themselves open to way too much.  Someone behind a damn computer screen could make up any facade known to man and make you swoon and wind up in a vulnerable state.  Don’t believe me?  Watch some of those cautionary tales on TVOne about women falling for the wrong guy and winding up as a news bulletin.  My intuition guides me and personally I cannot use my intuition to its fullest potential behind a damn social media app.  Come on now.  Share MenThirst Is Real

With me being the nosy group member that I am, I witnessed a lot of deplorable shit.  First and foremost, I witnessed a few men using some fake pictures of blog models to promote themselves.  Yes, the pictures were false and I know they were false because I follow a lot of style blogs because I love fashion and I know the models’ names and they just didn’t match to the participants posting their pictures.  Can you say catfish?  Secondly, I witnessed a lot of women who were doing the absolute most in a group that has well over 1 million members.  Things like posting their pictures in the group, why?  It’s for men with beards.  Also, there are over a million members in this group, do you think it’s wise to be posting your picture and personal information in this group?  Talk about making yourself a target! Then there’s the absolute worst, women virtually sending their coochie through social media.  What the hell?.  Have some pride.  Have some dignity.   But the thirst didn’t stop there.  They went from insinuating that beards are an aphrodisiac to straight up spelling the shit out with the second group which is labeled “Grey Sweatpants Matter”.  Now if you aren’t familiar with the grey sweatpants craze, I’ll just tell you, when a man who is well endowed in the southern region wears grey sweatpants, their endowment is easily visible.  Therefore women are objectifying men who wear such, especially if their package is worthy.

This sparks so much conversation and debate.  Now I am proud to say that it is a glorious day when men are objectified as much as women however by the same token, men and women are completely different so these men who post those pictures of their eggplants are perfectly fine with being objectified while in the past women weren’t always so fine with being reduced to nothing but sexual beings.  I digress.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am no Victorian, I am no angel and I have a dirty mind as well as a dirty mouth, but with that being said, it’s something I am….and that is a fucking lady.  I refuse to put myself out there being thirsty over the damn internet to get attention from a man regardless of what they may or may not look like.  Also, I refuse to get all hot and bothered about an appendage that hangs between a man’s legs nestled by some Wal-mart ass Hanes sweatpants.  It’s just not going to happen with yours truly and I’ll explain to you why.

Dating WelfareDating welfare

Dating Welfare: (n) is the phenomenon where single people have lowered their standards so drastically due to being single for prolonged periods of time that they are just about willing to do anything to get out of the slump including sacrificing their dignity and sense of propriety.

Yes, I created this term and I’ll tell you why I have coined this phrase.  During the term of FDR the US Welfare system was created and since then and many presidents later the government institution has received many different additions or subtractions.  During the 1960s there was the addendum entitled “man in the house” rules that denied families benefits if there was an able-bodied man in the house.  This sparked a lot of women to deny men and to deny the institution of marriage because they craved the stability of a government check instead.  Think about that.  On the other hand, women who valued the role of a steady and worthy father figure eventually weened themselves from the program and welcomed an able-bodied man to pick up the slack.  The entire welfare system has sparked so much debate and in turn stereotypes as well.  Some of those stereotypes are somewhat fathomable but very ugly and harmful also.  Think about it, welfare, or any other government entity where you depend on the government for any compensation opens you up to the following:

  1. You being given whatever the government sees fit.
  2. The government is all up in your business (“man in the house rules” , “tax restrictions to attain such benefits”)
  3. Limited resources to entities that promotes progress.

In other words, if you rely on the government for any damn thing, they are just going to give you whatever  THEY want to give you.  They are going to have other people all up in your damn business and going to do everything they possibly can to pigeonhole you to your current situation.  If the government gives you anything, it’s not to uplift you, it’s to keep you stagnant.  Dating welfare is the same.

Any man who you attain under the following circumstances is the equivalent to dating welfare:

  1. You throwing your vagina through social media due to a mere photo—- real men hunt, he who hunts, appreciates his prey.
  2. Not putting down any groundwork—- men should be required to do much more than text, Netflix and Chill, Firestick and Dick.

Just like the government is all in your business when they give you anything, you’re putting your business out there for 1 million group members when you’re being thirsty through a post is the same.  Also, if you allow a man to just do the bare minimum, that’s what you’re going to get, the bare minimum, just like damn welfare.  You are not going to get enough to buy a house in the suburbs, you’re not going to get enough to start your own business, you are not going to get enough to pay your child’s tuition, you are going to get just enough to get by.  Therefore men attained under of these circumstances quite frankly ain’t shit and won’t fulfill your emotional desires.  Trust me.  The women in our families who got themselves off of welfare are probably the ones who stood for something.  They are the women who realized that their present situation wasn’t their end all be all and made the men around them bring something to the house other than a stiff dick.  They made those men work and when those men worked, they were able to build together and even though they may have started out as an archetype of Florida Evans throughout progress and perseverance they worked towards becoming the Harriet Winslows and Claire Huxtables of the 1980s.  But here we are reverting back.  We aren’t bringing style, grace and poise to the table anymore and men are treating us accordingly.  Yes, I said it. Value

If you are a woman of grace, style, poise and dignity, you don’t have to beg.  There’s an art to being a woman.  There’s an artful way in letting a man know that you’re interested without being a damn thirst bucket.  There’s a way of asserting yourself by carrying yourself like Lena Horne all the while quoting Cardi B lyrics.  You see, when you are a woman of quality, the possibilities are endless, you can be wealthy in a multitude of ways and the man that attains such will reflect that.  But the man who is on the receiving end of entities where women are making spectacles of themselves will not yield desired dividends, those are the men who were content with only coming over at night and leaving before sunrise to make sure the woman kept those welfare benefits or in today’s age, the section 8 vouchers because truth be told, they aren’t going to bring shit to the table in the first place.

Hey.   It’s a sad truth, but someone had to say it.  Tonight I chose to put it out there.  There’s a difference between shooting your shot and being a damn thot.  When you’re publicly drooling queens, your crown is falling and when one queen’s crown is slipping the rest of us feel the pain.  We’ve got to do better and most importantly we’ve got to call each other out on our shit without getting on the defense and vow to make a change.

SMOOCHES!

Calling each other out on their shit is the basis of a great friendship.  I had that in my dear sweet friend EJ.  I miss you ole boy.  You used to tell me when I was wrong and supported me when I was right.  I want to keep doing right.  There’s a blessing in having friends that are male that you trust and through the trust that I had with you, I was able to value myself.  I thank you for that.  Rest on in love because you are loved and you represent love to me.  

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