Greetings all!  I pray that your summer thus far has been filled with as much fun and sun as you desire.  For me, it’s been filled with work and reflection.  In my profession, I’ve been reflecting on the past school year in order to determine the direction for the schools in which I service and working towards planning for a positive goal while in my personal life I’ve been reflecting on the notion of actually allowing myself to “fall in love” in the midst of the craziness that the world has to offer.  Unless you’ve been under a rock the last couple of days, I’m sure you’ve heard a great deal about the relationship of yet another Kardashian.  However this time, the tea spiller isn’t female, the star of the madness has been the elusive Rob Kardashian, the brother of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie.  Rob is the Kardashian who usually flies underneath the radar and up until about a year ago, I believed his role out of the spotlight was intentional however now I’m not so sure.  But before I elaborate as to why this whole relationship fiasco is related to my topic at hand, I think I should discuss some essential information.

In today’s society, falling in love is still popular, but it’s not as easy nor romanticized as it has been in the past.  The entire notion isn’t truly thought of as romantic anymore, it’s downright damn scary.  I’m not going to lie, falling again scares the entire shit out of me.  I also know that I am not alone in such.  There are tons of women and men who feel the same way as I do.  People have ulterior motives these days that are deceitful, evil and sometimes deadly.  Not to mention, the things that block you from even getting to the romantic side of things, the limitations.  There are tons of limitations out there that take the pleasantries and beauty of the idea alone.  

Limitation #1—Communication

Sunday afternoon I spent the afternoon with one of my girlfriends, we spent a great deal of our time watching a romantic classic, Love Jones, which just turned 20 years old and we noticed some things in the film that we weren’t cognizant of prior to Sunday.  It’s amazing how you can look at the same movie again and again and see something completely different at each viewing.  Upon viewing this movie with today’s trials in mind we realized that even 20 years ago, Darius and Nina were having the same communication problems with the opposite sex despite the fact that now we have social media, smartphones, texting, email and who knows what else that is meant for the sole purpose of communication.  Darius and Nina would’ve spared each other so much time and heartache if the other one just said exactly how they felt about the other one as opposed to playing games and not saying what they felt.

They are no different from we millenials today.  Here I sit writing a blog instead of picking up the phone and telling the guy that I like, that I like him.  I fail to communicate such for probably some of the same reasons that Darius didn’t want to tell Nina that he didn’t want her to go to New York or the same dilemma that Nina was faced with when she saw Darius at the store with another woman.  Fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of being played, fear of not being in control.  Proper communication can eliminate all of these things.  Instead of texting someone “wyd”, just pick up the damn phone and call them and ask them out later on, even if it’s just for a walk in the park.  But instead, today’s man is too afraid of being called “thirsty” therefore their communication skills are sorely lacking.  In addition, we aren’t completely off the hook as women as well, because we could let guys off the hook every now and again and express through communication that we’d actually give that guy the time of day if they admirably pursued us appropriately.

Limitation #2—Perception, Deception and Betrayal

Back to this Rob and Blac Chyna debacle, quite frankly, this shit is sad.  Not to say we didn’t all know it wasn’t coming.  Everyone knew that Rob was a sucker as stated by Snoop Dogg, he got “licked”, that’s what suckers do, they get licked in more ways than one.  But Rob represents what a lot of us must do in order to fall in love, which is being vulnerable.  Too often, people are taken advantage of when they are too vulnerable.  Now Rob allowed Chyna full access to his heart and consequently his money which is what made him a damn fool for love.  But perception is a son-of-a-bitch.  Rob probably believed that he was truly in love with someone who felt the same because it was perceived as all of the things that he wanted.  From an outsider’s perspective, Rob is going through some things and he’s appeared to be going through such for quite some time with his dramatic weight gain.  The weight gain coupled with his last name being synonymous with the personification of “picture-perfect” and “red carpet ready” allowed him to be a perfect target for an opportunist.  Chyna probably represented the perception of true love and in turn deception and betrayal wasn’t far away and we’ve seen such in the last couple of days.  She’s been seen with another man in the mansion supplied by her baby’s father and former fiance.  With the fall out the perception is that she never really loved Rob at all, she was just out for the money and payback to the family of the girl who stole her first baby’s father away.  Even though many see this as pure and utter entertainment, the fact remains that this is real life and an adorable baby girl is caught in the crossfire.

I’m not going to lie, one of the many reasons why I’ve been extremely careful over the years is because I don’t want to be involved in a similar shit show once love has turned sour.  One of my biggest fears is getting knocked up by someone who I will one day hate.  Therefore I watch what I do and most importantly whom I choose to entertain.  Although I don’t have pockets as deep as a Kardashian, I’ll be damned if I dish out my coinage to a man.  It’s just not going to happen, relinquishing of funds is attached to a level of vulnerability that I’m just not ready to pursue and I’m not sure I ever will because I refuse to even entertain a man who makes less than me.  Call me shallow, call me vain, call me what you will but it’s a deal breaker for me.  Sometimes celebrities can serve as a cautionary tale for a lot of us because they live their lives in the public eye.  Rob and Chyna’s hot mess can teach all of us a thing or two and the list of celebrity characters is endless, what about Mary and Kendu?  Mr. Isaacs had us all fooled, we all thought that he was a great wholesome man but it turns out he was just as opportunistic as Blac Chyna, the only difference is that he drug his deception out over a longer period of time.  

The Fear of Falling

Will Smith said that the best things in life are on the other side of fear.  I believe this is true.  In a viral video, he describes the feeling of skydiving and how the fear can be a barrier but the feeling of actually going through with the feat is incredibly exhilarating.  I’ve experienced rollercoaster rides, ziplining, rock climbing, being on a turbulent plane ride for the first time and the feelings afterwards were in fact incredible.  They were satisfying, gratifying, and utterly beautiful which is much like falling in love, or similar to what it should be.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.—–This scripture alone describes what love should do for us.  It shouldn’t be a situation where evil is erupted but protects us and arms us with trust, hope and perserverance.  

Luke 6:31

Do to others as you would have them do to you.—This is my favorite scripture as it pertains to love.  Treat me as you want me to treat you.  Relationships can sometimes become messy and filthy due to the dirt of contemporary life but if you treat others as you wish to be treated you should be able to freely enter into new love once a failed relationship is over.

Because I’ve never had a malicious intent when involved with the opposite sex in the name of love, someone such as myself shouldn’t have the fear of falling but truth be told the worldly influences that we face are disheartening.  Because of these limitations, those like myself have developed weapons to combat those wicked ones who use the name of love for ill intentions.

Weapon #1—Discernment

Psalm 119:66: Teach me good discernment and knowledge, For I believe in Your commandments.—–Discernment isn’t a bad thing but my level of discernment is compiled of divine intervention, woman’s intuition and use of intelligence.  All of those things encourages me to look at love or the possibility of it with a fine tooth comb and I am very particular and careful with whom I choose to entertain.  Others should learn to develop this skill, Lord knows Rob Kardashian should have.  I don’t think of him as a complete victim but the truth of the matter is that he was a sucker and he got licked.  No one wants to be in that type of predicament and it’s doubly awful when the entire world knows what’s dirty in your laundry.  In today’s society, it’s not hard for the public to be aware of what’s good and bad in your relationship so if used properly, discernment may save you some heartache in the long run.

Weapon #2—Extreme Caution

With the weapon of discernment, one must proceed with caution of what they do, when they do it and who they choose to do it with.  I’ve become a master of such over the years because the amount of people that I even entertain has become incredibly small and not just in the prospect of dating but in life in general.  It’s better to be safe than sorry, right?

Facing the Fear

So what or how can we overcome the madness of the world and experience the joy of falling in love the right way?  Truthfully, I don’t have the ultimate cure however I believe that if we use those weapons against those limitations and put our faith in God he will lead us towards someone that we can be transparent and vulnerable with.  Until we are faced with that person, God will send us signs of uncertainty to wake us up if we’re faced with false perception of love because as it says in Corinthians, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  God will send you signs as to whom you can let your guard down with and be completely vulnerable with.   ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  You can rest assure that a person who is only looking for monetary trappings or materialistic trappings is a self-seeking person which is contradictory to the fifth verse of this scripture.  So the signs will be there if you should head for the hills if this person is only seeking things for one’s self.  Lastly, ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love shouldn’t be filled with insecurity and uncertainty because you’ll feel protected and hopeful.  So in closing, I think I will use these tools that I’ve crafted with the help of the man above as a parachute when I fall again just in case I’m not taking the plunge with the right man. 

SMOOCHES

One of the many tools that God has given me over the years is the blessings of great friends.  Some of the principles that I live and love by are ones that were cultivated by my dear friend E.J.  He and I used to talk for hours about relationship woes.  When things didn’t sit quite well with me, I always knew he would tell me what I needed to know and not necessarily what I wanted to hear.  For him, I was the same.  I miss him for 100,000 reasons, and dealing with dating in this day and age adds another reason to miss him when I’m having trouble with discernment.  I miss you brother and I pray you are at peace.  You are loved and you will never be forgotten.  Rest on. 

Greetings all!  I pray that your spring has been filled with nothing but blessings and sheer happiness.  For those of you who check out my posts regularly, I am eternally grateful and always eager to hear your insight on my insight.  With that being said, as my spring has been filled with new experiences, the same relationship status lingers….simply single.  There has been virtually no interesting prospects and the threat of my status changing is no where in sight however I am continuously optimistic and having an awesome time with life in general.  My work is great, my family is well and my friends continue to fill my life with delight.  In fact, one friend presented the topic that I choose to discuss today….  Why is it that so many people act like they’re afraid of being single?  Why is it that being single is deemed as such a tragedy while we witness so many people who are attached and they are anything but happy?

So today, I choose to elaborate and ask, would you rather be single and happy or unhappily attached?  Unfortunately, in many situations, this is the reality that one is faced with.  You either learn to blissfully get along alone or you keep someone in the slot just to have someone there but you’re not happy with that person for the larger sense. Let’s explore this.

Pros and Cons of Being Single

Pros:

1. You don’t have to answer to anyone.
2. The only baggage that you have to deal with is your own.
3. Ample free time to hang with friends and family.
4. Ample free time to simply be alone.
5. You have more money (no gifts, no double groceries….etc.)
6. You’re thinner.
7. The world is your smorgasbord and you don’t have to feel guilty about your pleasures.

Cons:

1. There are times when you’re lonely… and restless. LOL.
2. Couples activities that your attached friends invite you to, like weddings…. yuck!
3. There’s no one to comfort you in ways that a significant person does.
4. Your battery consumption is out of control.
5. There’s no one to comfort you when it’s that time of the month or you’re just being bitchy.

There’s good and bad in everything, but honestly I cannot find more cons for being single because for me, it’s sweet.  Yeah, I get lonely at times and sometimes I have those days when I say “God where is he, where is my Dwayne, where is my Darius, where is my Lance?” and the stereotypical black male archetypes continue but at the same time, my weekends can be summarized as two day adventures with some of the dopest people that God has ever put on this planet and I don’t have to answer to a damn soul as to why I spend more time with all of my guy friends or who was singing next to me on the Trap Karaoke video.  Also, there are those times when I just want to lie in the bed and do nothing and the entire bed is all mine.  Yes, it’s awesome.

But can my life be summed up as being single or attached?  Absolutely not, it’s so much more.  A career that fulfills me, it keeps me busy, challenged and always on the go.  It’s a blessing to have a career that sends you on multiple paid trips to learn and explore.  Not only just that, I get to volunteer with my community and I have hobbies like this blog that bring so much joy to my life.  It’s sad that sometimes society reduces you to only being single or a couple and if you are single, the only thing you’re concerned about is finding someone to fill that void.  What a joke!  There is no void, when you wake up one day and discover that you’re secure within yourself, you are completely fulfilled with the gifts that God has given you

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Attached and it’s Awesome… or is it Awful?

Everyone knows those couples who you genuinely admire and even are a tad bit envious of because they have a bond that exudes true bliss.  Then on the other hand, everyone knows someone who is a serial monogamist or that person who’s in a situation and you wonder why the hell they are continuing with the charade?  Let’s be honest, being attached can be scary, it’s a scary world out there.  How many times have you turned on the news and there’s a person who’s dead at the hands of their significant other?  Here in Memphis sometimes it’s like an epidemic therefore a single woman who’s careful about those that she chooses to entertain shouldn’t be regarded as a tragedy, instead she should be deemed as intelligent.  There are times when being alone is the best decision.

TVOne’s Fatal Attraction should wake up a lot of people about moving too fast in the name of “love” or in my opinion not being lonely.  That winking good looking truck driver could be the next sociopath featured on the news for targeting vulnerable women.  Truth be told we all know some people who are involved with some crazies.  How many of us know women who have these volatile and abusive relationships consistently?  Or better yet, how many of us know that man who cheats on every single woman that he’s involved with?  How can you be truly happy with someone who doesn’t respect you?  There are so many people out there who are so insecure with themselves that being without another person bothers them so that they are often plagued with deep depression if they are single for long periods of time.  I know some people who all fit into these categories and so much more.

The Couples No One Envy

1. The “habitual break up to make up” couple who has been on again off again so many times that no one even bothers to ask anymore, they just watch their behavior instead to determine their status. 
2. The “show off” couple who broadcast every single superficial move that they make together on social media.  But the truth is that their loved ones really know that they just have an unhealthy attachment to one another.
3. The “dictatorial” couple where either the man or quite possibly the woman is the one who wears the pants and dictates virtually every move of the opposite person.  Because of their relationship, loved ones walk on eggshells not to get the other one in trouble at the hands of the shot-caller.
4. The “I don’t know why they are still together” couple who throughout the years of their long and drawn out relationship the situation is always filled with drama and turmoil that you hate to see either one of them coming.
5. The “together for the child(ren)” couple who only deal with one another because the man doesn’t want to pay child support and the woman wants to keep a tight rein on her baby’s father.
6. The “mix-match” couple where they are so damn different that it causes issue after issue and you know that it’s just a situation made completely out of convenience rather than a union made of love.

No one wants to end up in either of these situations, especially when bliss is so far beyond reach with these idiots.  Why even bother?  If a person can’t compliment your life why even bother?  These are questions to situations that I just don’t understand.  However I’m sure that these serial monogamists don’t understand me either, which is why I was asked this simple yet complex question recently?

Don’t you JUST get lonely sometimes and want someone to talk to?

JUST…. After I rolled my eyes about three times, and remembered that everyone doesn’t think like me….my response to this question is this….

What if I JUST wanted someone….

And JUST wound up with anyone….

JUST wound up sleeping with anyone….

JUST end up pregnant by anyone…

JUST left alone by anyone…

JUST dealing with the aftermath… JUST because you JUST wanted someone….

This is JUST not my cup of tea… my JUST looks like this….

I JUST choose to love myself and be glad,,,,

I JUST channel my energy towards something constructive…

I JUST hang out with my friends…

I JUST stay true to myself.

I JUST remember my standards…

I JUST be cool….

I JUST be….

Being single isn’t a tragic event and it shouldn’t be treated as such no matter what stage of life someone is journeying through.  Because if it’s not real, why would you want it?

So in closing, until I meet someone worthy, someone I genuinely like, I won’t just be with anyone… I’ll just be my fabulous, single, self. 

SMOOCHES

While I’m just being me, I want to reflect on how blessed I’ve been in having had and known real friendship.  God gave me a great friend, E.J., he simply didn’t look at me differently when I shunned men who were wrong for me.  He applauded me like he did in many other ways.  His friendship was a force in my life and I miss him dearly.  He was a representation of a great man and knowingly entertaining one that he would turn up his nose at would be insulting to his presence in my life.  Rest in Love E.J. and know that your spirit lives on. 

Greetings all!  I hope the emergence of spring has brought new beginnings to your lives in every single aspect as possible.  New beginnings are beautiful however be sure that through new relationship horizons you aren’t just swapping sugar for shit.  By now you can tell that I plan to go there.  All the way there.

For my regular readers not only do I appreciate you but you’ve gotten to know me better and you know that I don’t play about my standards.  They are up there.  I think I am fucking awesome and that’s what I want in a man, one who is fucking awesome.

“I reflect what I expect”-A. Grandberry

With that being said, I’ve learned that sometimes in life you have to say what you don’t want in order to discover exactly what it is that you do what.  Here are a few things on my unwanted list.

1. I’d rather talk to no one than a MF that’s going to WYD me all damn day.
2. I’d rather spend time with a battery operated device than lie with someone who makes me want to throw up.
3. I’d rather read a book that I’ve read 10 times than spend time with someone who is one dimensional.

That’s just a few but I have a list that is a mile long.  Last month I wrote about how society doesn’t even allow women to have the same standards as men are allowed to have while now I’m going to reflect on how women are expected to just put up with so much more than men are when it comes to relationships.  I have it broken down into four categories: expectations (I’m going there again), sexual histories, sexual demands and true desires.

1. Expectations

You say I’m spoiled, I say I’m appreciated,

You say I’m unrealistic, I say limitless,

You say I’m picky, I say I’m selective,

Settling would be a slap in the face of the village that raised me.

When you grow up in a loving household where you have two parents who do every single thing in their power to make sure their children are good and most importantly who love one another it sets the bar high.  I never saw my father mistreat my mother nor did I see my mother take my father for granted.  Until the day he took his last breath, all i ever saw was laughter, love, growth and appreciation.  With that being said, I expect the same.  I will give the same and I want to share the rest of my life with someone that I don’t need, but I want.  Recently someone said to me have you ever heard the phrase “like what likes you.”

I laughed so hard at this uttered phrase  because their justification was that I should be so grateful that any man with a pulse and a penis “likes me”…. That is the most absurd thing that I’ve ever heard.  I am a woman of quality, I’m not going to list my qualifications, you know them.  When you are a woman of quality many men will like you, but are many men worthy of you?  My response to that is, “I bet there are a lot of women who are pushing up daisies simply because they liked what the fuck liked them!” How many times have we watched series about the demise of women at the hands of men they were involved with and when certain information was told you wondered “what the hell was she doing with him anyway?”  For me, dozens of times.  Well if I simply liked what liked me, I’d entertain, the following: The stereotype who has five children with four different women (one set happened to be twins), a potentially psychotic maintenance man, a dope boy who works for Verizon by day and moves weight at night and a close-minded idiot who has virtually never left the Tri-state area. So simply liking what the fuck likes me, just ain’t gone get the life that I desire and deserve.  Thanks but no thanks.  The compromise that lies with expectations is simple.  I know that the probability of me finding a man who looks like Trey Songz who makes 6 figures and has no baggage is highly unlikely.  But being equally yoked is a blessing.  1 Corinthians 15:33 says “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals”, Phillipians 4:6 says “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” and Proverbs 12:4 says “an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” I don’t know about your God, but my God is not going to allow me to be some crown to a man who’s left an irresponsible trail of broken promises behind nor a man who jeopardizes my safety because of the profession that he’s chosen simply because he didn’t want to take his ass to college.  I can compromise with someone that has potential, but if there is nothing that I can work with and any interaction with that person makes me want to roll my eyes until they look like a slot machine, no thank you.

2. Sexual Histories

“This city is too small”

Translation: They’ve fucked a lot of your acquaintances.

It’s a sad and simple reality.  When you mention a guy’s name and your friends know him intimately it makes you do a double take and there’s a lot of ways that you can take that.  If the friend is dear to you and very close the only way to handle it is just to say no, you’ve either got to cut him loose or have friction between your girlfriend because women are wired completely differently.  We’re very much like cats, finicky and oddly territorial as are men.  If you and the friend aren’t that close then you can risk it.  With that being said no one calls that man a hoe when that happens continuously however if a woman does it, there’s a big discussion and issue to be had.  I’m not oblivious to the fact that it just doesn’t look good for a woman to have had a lot of sexual partners but why does it seem okay for men to do what is considered taboo for us?

This is an old question.  A question that is probably older than any person walking this earth however just like a man doesn’t want a woman who’s been around the block more than a few times, I don’t want it either.  If I take my man to a Greek function and I hear about him with multiple members of all four of the female black letter organizations then we have a damn problem.  “Baby, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do.”  I do believe in second chances but when it gets to be something repetitive then we’re going to have some issues that will reoccur as well.  No one wants unnecessary issues.  They say that every person is linked to each other through 6 degrees of separation, if you discover that your man or woman has slept with every third person or so in your personal or professional circle, uh…. yeah…. you may have some things you need to discuss.  Where is the compromise here?  You can compromise if it occurs once and that friend that may have shared something intimate with your possible mate isn’t that close or doesn’t have an issue with such.  But if this continues to happen over and over again, there is no compromise.  It’s time to simply move on or deal with the fallout.  Be sure before you make the decision.

3. Sexual Demands

“Society is ugly, there are a lot of things that the masses accept that are not only immoral but will make you feel empty and sorrowful.” -A. Grandberry

Where is the compromise here?  When should you compromise and when should you flat out say hell to the no?  I’m always appalled by some of the things that women allow themselves to indulge in when it comes to the sexual desires of their men.  But where does the line between desire and demeaning exist?  Sexual desires are weird and sometimes taboo.  There are some things that turn us on and we cannot explain why nor where it comes from but my question is, why ask your partner to do something that you know you wouldn’t do if the tables were turned or better yet, something you know they wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with?  A few things that I’ve heard or have come face to face with are the following: anal sex, sex tapes and threesomes.

Men and the ass are always a funny combination.  Some women are into the backdoor adoration but some just aren’t.  My thing is if your woman doesn’t like it then why do you insist on such?  A woman has the right to say no just like you have the right to say no to the finger in the ass.  LOL! Yes I went there.

Secondly, the sex tapes are a bit taboo.  A lot of us are curious as to what we look like but there are a lot of women who are downright terrified of the fact that the footage could be released.  Who wouldn’t be, no one wants to see themselves in action for the public unless they’ve chosen that line of work.  So if you know that isn’t something that your partner doesn’t want to do, why would you insist or even trick them into being intimate while you secretly film them?  Yes, it happens.  When this sort of thing goes down, there is no compromise.  Leave it alone. And if you’re with someone who sneaks and does it, you’ve been violated on a whole new level.  This is an ultimate betrayal.   It’s a breach of trust, without trust, there’s no solid foundation for a relationship. If someone feels strongly about something, respect their wishes and leave it alone.  Why potentially bruise a person’s self-esteem just because your level of freak isn’t equal to theirs?

Lastly, threesomes….. le sigh…. I get so sick and tired of people acting like this shit is normal.  No the fuck it ain’t!  A queen doesn’t share her throne, that throne marks her place in the kingdom, why on earth would I allow another female to position herself to potentially overthrow me?

I am a woman, I love being a woman, most importantly I am a woman who feels strongly about her sexuality.  I strongly prefer the penis over any other alternative out there, with that being said, why do you think it’s cool for your woman to want another woman or for you all to share even if it’s only for one night?  If that’s what you like, that’s what you like, but for me, no likey… I love men, I like the penis and that’s all I want.  Also, I don’t like to share.  Talking about a mental breakdown, seeing another woman all over my man would cause a major problem with me.  I don’t like to share, if you loved me, you wouldn’t either… I AM ENOUGH!  Also the notion of bringing another person into the relationship regardless of the sex is never a good idea.  At first it’s all peachy keen but soon enough something bad happens.  Have you heard about the whole Mel B and Stephen Belafonte divorce drama?  They invited the nanny into their bedroom and coupled with their other issues, they opened a Pandora’s box of misery for the Spice Girl and now all of their dirty dealings are laid out for the world to hear about…. well isn’t that fun?  

Besides most men barely know how to give 100% pleasure to one woman are you aiming to piss two off at the same time?  The entire threesome conundrum is something that I will never understand, if it’s two men and one woman it’s not considered the same, but if it’s two women and one man, it’s okay? Huh, I will never get it because either way you slice it, someone is the clear winner in that situation and for me, it wouldn’t be me because I don’t like women.  I love men.

There’s hardly any compromise in a situation like this because if you ask someone to do something that they aren’t physically comfortable with regardless of the outcomes they are going to feel slighted.  Instead of searching for someone else to add to the equation how about perfecting the connection between the people in the relationship?  And please, men don’t try and guilt trip a woman into adhering to your sexual prowess simply because you are a man with these lame ass excuses:

1. Monogamy isn’t a characteristic of men, why do you think there are so many women in the world?
2. It gets boring with one woman all of the time.
3. Would you rather me cheat with you or on you?

Women don’t fall for that shit, you are enough.  And when it comes down to quality even though I’m uncertain about what goes down with other couples but I’m sure Barack wouldn’t ask Michelle to get down like that, nor would Rev. Run ask Justine, Grant wouldn’t come at Tamia that way nor would Denzel step to Pauline with such a request…. so don’t you allow some MF who’s barely clearing 45,000 a year who drives a Dodge Charger to trick you into being a sexual deviant for his benefit.  His ass will be just fine.  If you asked him to have another man in the bedroom he’d lose his damn mind, so put your foot down and if he can’t accept it, well, there’s the door.  This is one of those things where just because “everyone else is doing it,” doesn’t mean you have to unless you want to.

Hell, Tiny left T.I, Paula left Robin, Lala left Melo and Angelina left Brad, you certainly can start over again.

Compromise is a wonderful thing if both of you stand to benefit someway and the other person doesn’t feel had or used.  But if there’s a chance that it’s just going to make the other person miserable for the long haul, it’s just not worth it.  If you know that you cannot be with a man who has more baggage than an airplane carousel then there is no justification for giving him a chance.  If the idea of dozens and dozens of the people who you interact with daily have been intimate with someone that you’re spending time with makes you crazy, then leave it be and if your sexual desires are going to make your partner feel disgusted and unworthy then you have to decide which is more important, that person or the desire?

So ask yourself, are you truly compromising or are you putting up with some shit?

SMOOCHES!

Over a year ago, I lost a friend, a dear friend, a friend who filled my life with laughter, realness and tolerance.  Each day without him is difficult, but he will always be with me.  EJ your life was unnecessarily cut short but your legacy lives on and your spirit travels with me always.  I love you, I miss you and I will never forget you brother.  Rest in love and rest in peace.  

Greetings all!  I pray that you are all staying warm.  The Eastern part of the United States is being slammed with snow storms and frigid temperatures and being single in this weather is no picnic, trust me.  I’d much rather having a warm body to keep me warm as opposed to my Saints blanket but just like I prefer the Saints blanket, I won’t allow just any old warm body to cozy up to me.  With that being said, I’ve been reflecting on this realization that I’ve come to in 2017.  “I wish men were held to the same standards that women are.” That quote comes from yours truly.

“I wish men were held to the same standards that women are.”-A. Grandberry

Let’s face it.  Women are held to a higher standard.  We have to be two times better than a man at work and in other areas to even be considered in the conversation all the while being compensated at a smaller salary than our male counterparts.  So it’s not that foreign that when it comes to our personal lives women are supposed to accept and be happy with less while providing more.  Let’s dive into my psyche a bit.  What is it that Ashley wants from a man?

Ashley’s List

• Ambitious–I have aspirations for my life, so you must have that as well.
• Fun– I am silly, cooky and different and the last thing I want to come home to is the same old, same old.
• Funny–80% of the time, I’m telling dirty jokes and checking, so you’d better be able to do the same.
• Adventurous—If given the choice of going to dinner and a movie or going zip-lining, I will choose the latter almost every time.
• Loyal— I’m many things but a slut ain’t one of them and I don’t wanna be tied to one either.
• Loving– I am.  I love hard and I show love therefore I want the same.
• Attractive– I like what I like and I refuse to be with someone that I don’t want.

My list is quite simple but there’s some things that must be understood.  Living here in Memphis, it’s not easy for me to find someone who are all of these things that’s closer to the age of 40.  So it’s understandable that I like younger men.  Last week, I entered my Magic year, 32.  When I date, I tend to date guys who are right around that age or younger.  In 2015, I dated a 26 year old and even though we didn’t make it, I don’t regret that decision at all.  It was an enjoyable experience.  However when I tell people this, including my friends, I get the eternal side eye and shade-filled comments.  Which I understand but again, I like what I like.

What I Bring to the Table

Ashley’s Qualifications

• 32 years old  (you could never tell by looking at me)
• Two Degrees
• No children, Never been married (No baggage)
• Own Place
• Own Car
• 9 year career, recent promotion
• Recently lost over 20 pounds and counting
• The product of a loving mother and wonderful father who loved and shared together until my father journeyed to heaven.
• Adventurous
• Ambitious
• Despises Drama
• Philanthropic
• Versatile
• Always down for a fun time

Now here comes the rhetorical questions, looking at my resume, would you recommend a woman like that to your brother, your cousin, your friend?  Or if you’re a guy, would you want to date a woman like that?  Of course you would.  I know you would, I am tooting my own horn, I am a catch.  With that being said, I bring all of that to the table but as a woman, I am NOT supposed to demand a man who is youthful, who is ambitious, has no children and no baggage.  Why?  Why is it that my demands seem unreasonable but I am all of these things.

Again, society doesn’t hold men to the same standards as they hold us.  I usually categorize potential men using the L.A.M.B acronym.  Gwen Stefani has Love, Angel, Music, Baby but I check for Looks, Ambitions, Morals and Baggage sweetie.

Looks

“God doesn’t like ugly and neither do I.”

Quite frankly you have to be attracted to the person.  No one wants to look at someone that doesn’t tickle their fancy.  I don’t look 32 and I don’t want a man who looks 42 so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me dating someone who’s 28, 29, 30… Hey if I meet a Nas who is 42 but looks much younger, I can roll with it.  We say as a society all of the time that looks don’t matter but we all know that that is complete bullshit.  Beyonce wouldn’t be Beyonce if she looked like an aging second grade teacher.  Be honest.  Every woman wants a man who has something about him that is attractive.  Never did I say that I have to have a polished male version of perfection but If I’m not feeling someone, I’m simply not feeling them.  Some people can muddle their way through interactions and then become attracted to a person, but I can’t.  Either I’m instantly like “damn, I can get with that” or “not going to happen”.  I know who I am and I hope you know the same.  Last year, I went out with a guy that I was not feeling at all and I wound up extremely disappointed because he had the nerve to say something about my exterior all the while he looked as if he could’ve been the love child of Charles Barkley and Marla Gibbs.  But yet here again, we are held to a higher standard than men are.  We could get as close to looking like Beyonce as we possibly can and because of that, we have to be content with the Jay-Z.  But truly he isn’t THE Jay-Z.  Because THE Jay-Z is worth millions and has a lot going for himself but we’re supposed to be content with Jay-Z looks without the Jay-Z ambitions, drive and goals accompanied with tons and tons of baggage!

Why is it that I can’t say that I’m not attracted to the superficial exterior of a man, I’m not going there with him?  I’m quite sure if I didn’t look the way I looked, he wouldn’t want to go there with me.  I’ve been overlooked because I’m too dark, I wear weave, my butt isn’t big enough, when I was 20 pounds larger I was overlooked plenty and even ridiculed.  I dealt with it, but I can’t express similarly.

Ambition

My mother and father instilled in me a sense of ambition.  They told me that I could be anything that I wanted to be.  I want to be plenty, I want to be a pioneer for education, an accomplished writer, philanthropist and businesswoman.  I’m well on my way to doing that.  I have plans to be all of these things and I want a man who wants to hustle towards more as well.  When I say hustle, by no means do I want to be with a dope boy but oftentimes meeting a black man who does want to hustle equates the same.  Now I know I’m going to take some flack for that statement but that is what I’ve run into.  Previously, I took a chance and dated someone who I had a fascination with against my better judgement.  Quite frankly, I knew better.  He was the antithesis of what I wanted and he did hustle.  He had a steady 9 to 5 but lo and behold on the side he did dabble in illegal activities.   He knew how I felt about that, he knew I didn’t like it.  But just like society tells us that we don’t have to have a man with real aspirations, that fool tried to guilt me into feeling like I should settle with his version of “hustling”as well.  But you see the literal definition of ambition is an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment but there is no honor in drug-dealing because no one really comes out of it without doing time or winding up dead. Which is one of the many reasons why I just couldn’t get behind such a lifestyle.  Whenever I tried to convince that fool to take his skills to attain a degree or some means towards legally achieving more, there was an excuse behind an excuse and so forth.  Luckily, the relationship didn’t last because quite frankly there was no future with someone like that.  What I truly love about men who are ambitious is that their mindset is limitless.  When you are dealing with someone who doesn’t have vision, they are filled with limits.  How exciting is that?    

Morals

What a novel concept!  Does anyone ever consider morals anymore?  Sometimes I think people just operate without even thinking about karma or the afterlife.  Karma is a bitch who has everyone’s address therefore you must be careful what you do and how you treat people.  Because morals are important to me, I just can’t see myself kicking it with a dope dealer nor a man who’s got a kid by every chick on the corner.  Don’t see the distinction?  A great woman by the name of Oprah Winfrey said “avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?”  I will take advice from Oprah any day before I take it from many of the women I know.  You have to admit it, Queen Oprah has a point.  We don’t think of this in the realm of morality do we?  But truth be told it is tied to morals.  Morals are rules, principles and a certain code of ethics.  Ethically speaking who just goes around irresponsibly getting any and everyone pregnant.  That says a lot about your character as well.  But again, if a woman says that she’s not dating a guy who has kids all over the place, she’s given the everlasting side-eye.  Well bring on the side-eye honey because if I can keep the babies and drama away, then any man I’m with should be held to the same standard.  If you have more than one baby mama, then there cannot be a future for you and I.  If you think of me as a snob for having that standard, then I’ll be that.  Hey, I’ve been called worse.

Baggage

If I don’t come into a situation with a fucking steamer trunk full of shit why the hell should I put up with such?  We all see how society allows men to get away with such but as soon as a woman has anything similar it’s a problem.  Have we not witnessed this same scenario time and time again on reality tv?  Take heed to the Rasheeda and Kirk Frost situation.  Here Rasheeda met this man when she was a teenager and has spent most of her life with a man who had six children before she and he wed.  Now eight children, countless years, building a life on her achievements and he continues to find excuses to cheat on her and treat her as if she’s the one who’s unworthy.  Fuck that shit!  However this situation isn’t the only one we’ve witnessed.  Take a look at Yandy and Mendeecees, Peter Gunz, Amina and Tara and I’m quite sure there are countless professional athletes who are prime examples of baggage not being worth the headache.  But far be it from a woman saying that she’s not going to put up with the baby mommas, rap sheets and bullshit.

Thus….

I have standards that I intend to keep.  There has been times when I’ve thrown caution to the wind and stepped outside of those standards and it has never ended well.  Ask yourself this, would you want to hook your brother, friend, cousin or yourself up with a woman who had no ambitions or goals for herself, she doesn’t care about her appearance, has six different children by six different men and has countless interactions with a long string of men. Hell no.  You wouldn’t want that chick around but if a man is all of those things, as long as he has a pulse and a dick, it’s quite alright.  I’m not saying that people with such baggage are bad people, I’m just saying it’s not something I’m willing to deal with.  It’s simply the truth.

When it comes to looks, black men give us hell.  We are supposed to be fine, so we have to work out to keep things tight, therefore we must wear weave or braids because our hair sweats and we have to go to work, we do this and…. they criticize that.  They criticize everything but we’re supposed to just be quiet and take it anything they offer.

So far be it from me to demand that I have to be attracted to the man that I choose to date. In short, if I don’t like a ragamuffin with crusty ass hands and choose to voice it, I’m being unreasonable.

Then there’s ambition.  Some men respect that and reflect that while some resent it and deflect such.  If I took the initiative to attain credentials and I’m grinding towards achievement and you choose not to move similarly, we just ain’t gone make it chief.  In today’s society, it’s just not smart to have one trick.

Morals are important.  No one wants to lie next to a potential sociopath.  If you’re selfish and you don’t care about doing what’s right then it’s only right that I show you the door.  A person who is reckless with his well-being could give a damn about anyone else’s and no one needs that aggravation.  Studies show that over half of the women incarcerated are there because of the influence of a man and a disproportionate amount of women are killed or abused at the hands of a man that she was involved with.  Therefore I don’t believe in being with someone just for the sake of being with that person it could be hazardous in many ways.  That yields pain and hurt and hurt people hurt people.

Lastly, baggage has it’s place, and if you can’t handle it, leave it alone.  I know what I can deal with and what I’m not willing to accept so why even bother and waste someone’s time?

Will men and women ever be held to the same standard?  Probably no, but it doesn’t truly matter in the long-run, what truly matters is the standards you’ve set for yourself and the ones you have in place for a potential mate.  Life is too short for you to be stuck with someone and you’re wondering why the hell they’re in your life.  Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus didn’t die on the cross for me to wind up with a person that I don’t want and he didn’t die for you to get saddled with such also.

SMOOCHES!

 Last year, I lost a friend, a real friend. A friend who was always there regardless of how much time had past or how circumstances turned out. His name was EJ and I miss him dearly. Being me isn’t easy because I’m not always understood, I have a different way of looking at things than most but nevertheless he never knocked me for that, he embraced it and provided me a way of looking at things as well. If you all have the blessing of having a friend who is big enough to admit when they were wrong, embrace them. Because he embraced me and I embraced him through the right and the wrong, I am a better person. Rest in love and eternal peace, dear sweet friend.  

Greetings all!  I trust that you have had a wonderful 2017 thus far.  I know things are rough, the country’s future looks bleak but I’m optimistic that God will intervene because he has a marvelous way of showing us that he always is and always will be God.  No matter how public figures behave as they are the almighty.  With that being said, I’ve been giving myself more time to focus and reflect on the important things in life and what doesn’t truly deserve a lot of my time.  I’ve allowed myself to reflect on such in all areas of my life, my personal life, professional life, social life, spiritual life and so forth.  During all of my introspective reflections, I allowed myself to focus on the external aspects of things that surround me.  In doing so, I’ve come to a clear realization that as a nation, we focus on the wrong shit!  Our very culture isn’t geared to focus on what truly matters.

So I know what you’re probably thinking huh?  This is about to be a petty post…. Well actually it’s not, in a world of those who revel in being petty, I strive to be the antithesis of that, in all areas that matter, I want to be focused on the things that are major not miniscule.  In other words, if it’s petty and small, why waste my time with it?  Things that are petty and small tend to not withstand the test of time, so why occupy a great amount of time dwelling or focusing on it.

Let’s talk about a big piece of the American culture, Politics.

Petty Politics

Top 10 Major Petty American Political Violations

10. Dwelling on Barack Obama’s name—He has an ethnic name, I for one would never trust a MF named Strom Thurmond.

9. Allowing Al Gore to slip through our hands—-He could be petty and post memes about global warming daily and we’d all feel like jackasses. 

8. George W. Bush Jr.—No explanation needed.

7. Sarah Palin—Contraception, Abstinence, nuff said.

6. Allowing Rudy Giuliani any platform to speak publicly—Take a look at those dentures.

5. The Democratic Party not grooming Bernie Sanders for the oval office 20 years ago.

4. Allowing Bush to steal Florida back in 2004, who does that?

3. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan—-Now what now, how do we explain that?

2. Not questioning Dick Cheney’s competence, who in the hell mistakes a man for a freaking bird.

1. Giving a rat’s ass about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, who cares, if Hilary likes it, I love it…. We had 8 years of peace and prosperity, so what, I’m not married to him, I could care less, maybe if GW had been getting more action…. I won’t finish that statement.  LOL!

This past November, the apocalypse as over 33 million people believe it to be occurred, Hilary Clinton lost to the orange one as the leader of the free world.  Now mind you, he has no political experience what so ever, not even as a community organizer, no real knowledge of foreign affairs, no real reputation for doing what’s right in the areas of life that truly matter and the electoral college elected him as the Commander-in-Chief, a man who can be as narcissist as a Kardashian, as irrational as a cranky toddler and as inexperienced as a 13 year old virgin.  The man has no business in the oval office but nevertheless millions allowed themselves to get caught up on the notion that missing emails or whatever they may be warranted Hilary as being a bad fit.  But turn the dial to months later and many are seeing that their decision of voting in the other direction or not voting at all may not have been the best way to handle the situation.  The orange one has been relentless in a small amount of time with his decisions that are breaking up homes, killing innocent people and virtually pissing off every single trusted ally that the United States has had in the past, but God forbid Hilary deleted emails.  Because emails highlight so much that can be hidden!

Give me a break.

These petty politics have opened my eyes.  We focus so much on the small things that we miss the big picture.

They chose to focus on emails and what could have been hidden when what was in plain view the whole time is that the orange one could care less about anything but money.  This man doesn’t even care about his wife and I’m unsure if he cares for his youngest son, considering the fact that he made a mockery of a special needs reporter knowing full well that he had a son who suffered from a disorder as well.  Who does that? 

Emails or the lack thereof them made us question the integrity of a woman who is the very reason why so many children across the nation receive adequate health care and made us apathetic to what her very presence in the white house would mean to millions of women and young girls.  But instead we have a man who is the embodiment of sheer and utter disrespect of women, I mean we are only objects to him.  All of this is so, because we justify something so small as emails as being an implicit symbol for dishonesty and espionage while the person who now inhabits 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is a blatant representation of greed, privilege, unpreparedness, adultery, rudeness, bigotry, chauvinism, hate, exclusion and dishonesty.

What will the generations to come read about in history as to why we allowed in 2017 such a man who picked a Vice President who is the descendant of KKK leaders?  His opponent had questionable email etiquette in the workplace and that’s why he was deemed as a better leader.

Poor Petty Professionalism

Top 10 Petty Co-worker moves

10. Looking for you on social medial.

9. Trying to add you on social media.

8. Getting mad when you won’t accept their friend requests on social media.

7. Requesting you again when you won’t add them on social media.

6. Acting shady when you don’t see things eye to eye.

5. Trying to throw you under the bus in front of the boss.

4. Trying to throw you under the bus in front of the team to make themselves look better.

3. Asking you about your finances when you acquire something new.

2. Walking past your office and not telling you there’s free food available.

1. Seeing you outside of work and acting like you’re the best of friends, then attempting to add you on social media again.

This majoring in the minors philosophy has spilled over to our workplace as well.  Sad but true, we trade in the smallest things as to why or not we will vouch for another person in the boardroom as well as working as a team.  I once worked for a boss who if you didn’t agree with his method of getting a shared goal accomplished, you were not team-oriented.  Who cares that your method would’ve saved time and gotten the same goal accomplished, the fact of the matter is that you didn’t do it his way.  It was his way or the high way.  Nevermind the fact that you know just as much as he does about the work that you’re doing, it’s simply because he’s the boss he must know everything.  Well I and many others challenged that lunacy and we progressed, he unfortunately was left high and dry.  In my new educational career, I see the same thing occuring.  Teachers who know more than their principals and applying such in their classroom but because it isn’t dressed the way that they are used to seeing it, they make the workplace a hostile environment for the educator.  Or even with the students, who cares if the student knows what they are doing, but if they hadn’t composed it in a manner in which the teacher wants it, then it’s incorrect.  Really?  That type of petty behavior causes the students to have a negative perception of education.

This type of small thinking is the reason why the orange one has appointed only his friends, the ones who will not oppose his backwards way of thinking, never mind the work that needs to be done.

Pettiness in the workplace is a detrimental thing.  So what is Sofia is fifteen minutes late, she’s a hardworker and she’s always on time with deadlines, the things that matter.  The things that matter, what a novel idea.

Petty Personal Lives

Top Ten Petty Friendship and Relationship Behaviors

10. Feeling some type of way and not expressing it to your friend/loved one immediately.

9. Feeling some type of way and posting it to social media without expressing it to your friend/loved one immediately.

8. Feeling some type of way, posting it to social media without expressing it to your friend/loved one immediately and then dodging that person afterwards.

7. Feeling some type of way and then going to your friend/loved one’s favorite eatery and posting the picture of the cuisine online.

6. Deliberately not answering the phone because you feel some type of way.

5. Refusing to apologize just because you don’t want to when you know you’re wrong.

4. Acting like you forgot a special date or occassion.

3. Inviting others to events that you know will go back and tell the person you are avoiding.

2. Telling another person that that person was speaking ill of them just because you feel some type of way.

1. Spilling the private details that a once friend told you because you are mad.  

Now don’t get me wrong, there are some small things that matter, I want my guy to remember our anniversary, well if I had a guy, and I’d expect him to remember my birthday.  But whether or not he posts my face on Facebook, I could give not one damn about.  I care about that person being a guiding force in my life, not a miniscule minute because the people that you want to impress on social media will not contribute to my Chase Financial bill monthly.  We worry about the wrong things when it comes to relationships, matching Jordan’s and posting pictures on social media all the while that very person is still cheating on you with the girl who has the plug at the Nike store where he buys those Jordan’s.  Hey don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger.

The things that matter with our friends and families are the things that show that we want to be present in each other’s lives, that means attending events together and not necessarily posting a picture.  If you have an argument with a friend and that person has the heart to apologize, forgive them, work it out and move on.  Because life is too short to be mad at someone who actually apologized.  Most people would rather not to save face now that’s petty and that’s a person that you shouldn’t want in your corner.  You need to have people around you who are human who mess up from time to time and who are big enough to apologize.  In addition, if it’s such a problem, don’t be the petty person who won’t say it to that person’s face but your petty behind will post about it to social media.  Yeah, that’s mature.  How often will a man do something and a woman post a meme reflecting such on instagram but won’t tell him.  Not only is that petty but it’s sad.

What are we saying to one another that we won’t focus on the major things.  You can be petty but you won’t be upfront.

It’s pure bull.

So what’s at stake here when we focus on the issues that don’t really matter?  Well there’s the fate of the free world at the hands of a world class idiot.  Working in a hostile work environment that maybe a direct factor of whether or not you’ll make a living and then potentially losing out on cultivating meaningful relationships with your loved ones simply because the minor things are magnified while the major things are being neglected.

The moral of this post is, be progressive, not petty.

SMOOCHES!

Last year, I lost a friend, a real friend.  A friend who was always there regardless of how much time had past or how circumstances turned out.  His name was EJ and I miss him dearly.  Being me isn’t easy because I’m not always understood, I have a different way of looking at things than most but nevertheless he never knocked me for that, he embraced it and provided me a way of looking at things as well.  If you all have the blessing of having a friend who is big enough to admit when they were wrong, embrace them.  Because he embraced me and I embraced him through the right and the wrong, I am a better person.  Rest in love and eternal peace, dear sweet friend.  

Growing up Pretty Brown Eyes with a Vision of Love, conceived on the melodies of Green and Gaye,

This millenial perception of love has definitely led me astray.

I don’t mind struggling with All the Man that I need,

I’ll submit willingly to a man who can actually lead.

This idea of struggle resembles Nina and Darius, Bird and Lem,

Not that of a Kardashian who constantly has a new “him”.

This magnolia blossom dreams of Cruisin’, Anytime, Anyplace,

With a real man who has chivalrous tastes.

Today’s perception of love is distorted to say the least,

Which leaves one starving while desiring to feast.

What was once thought of as weak, is now perceived as strong,

All the while what used to be right is deemed as wrong.

IF ever I fall in love, I want it to be real,
Making him feed while giving him something he can feel.

Rest in Love to my dear friend, EJ, another 80’s baby who had a great capacity to love for his friends, family and the world.  The anniversary of your death is coming up and it was quite possibly the worst day of my life but I won’t be fueled by my disgust for how you were taken from us but be driven by the love and memories that you gifted us with.  God Bless you brother.  I love you dearly, Rest on. 

Happy Holidays all!  I certainly hope that you had a gluttonous Thanksgiving and a delightful Christmas with the hopes of a joyful New Year, I for one will be glad to say good bye to 2016 because it has been a year of many trials and thankfully so, a few triumphs as well.  As I reflect on my accomplishments this year, I also reflect on the current state of relationships or lack there of and it’s come to my attention that just as teenagers have a sense of entitlement in virtually every facet of life, many millenials believe that the opposite sex has the same approach towards dating.  That is an unhealthy sense of entitlement.

Entitlement is the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.  Inherently means that you think these privileges should be just bestowed upon one without having put forth any real effort.  Once I really reflected on the idea presented to me, I can see how this could be true.  The roles of men and women have definitely been distorted over the years, I can attest to that, however I do wonder has entitlement been one of the reasons that this is so.

Years ago, if you and a young man exchanged phone numbers, the woman expected the phone call however nowadays you’re lucky if they send you an initial text.  Are men entitled to the right to communicate in any way that they want to?  I mean, it’s not like miscommunication can occur through texts and communication isn’t that important, is it? But does the entitlement simply end here?  Certainly not, women are guilty of such as well.  We automatically think that we are entitled to expensive dinners and trappings just for being a woman, but is that realistic?  Is it right?  And does this entitled idea lead to men thinking they are entitled to sex after delivering the material goods?  Hmmm??? So if this is true, just what have you truly earned and if you hadn’t earned anything what must you learn from the entire situation?

Entitled Expectations vs. Harsh Reality

Entitlement #1: Sex

This is an old staple that hasn’t really changed over the years, men think that if they do certain things then women will be more inclined to recline and expand their limbs in the boudoir! LOL! However it just doesn’t end there, the expectations that are aligned with sex don’t just end with giving it, it continues with delivery and frequency as well.  Men want women who are Victoria’s Secret models and porn stars all rolled into one.  Talk about unrealistic.  

Harsh Reality #1: Fat Chance

Even if you get a woman to put out at your demand, trust me there’s a tradeoff somewhere.  She’s going to expect something outrageous as a result and chances are if you want a woman of quality, she is not going to behave in such a deplorable way sexually right off the bat.  When it comes to this sex, men are not entitled to such, it must be earned with a certain level of intimacy that can only be achieved with time and getting to know one another.  You must learn that great sex has to be earned.  It’s not an entitlement by any means thus demanding it initially is not the best tactic.

Entitlement #2: Submission

Come on, every man dreams of this.  A little woman who will cater to his whims and won’t give him lip about it.  She will submit to his demands and make his life all the more easier while he gets to do whatever it is that he likes.  The very definition of submission is the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.  This idea is an old concept however the millenials have warped its perception greatly.  Some of us hear this term and laugh because Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey come to mind!  The entire notion of submission goes deeper though.  It’s vintage and even biblical because we are taught as Christians that the ideal wife will submit to her husband.  But in today’s society, a lot of people leave out the terms “wife” and “husband” completely.  In fact, statistics show that the amount of marriages in this generation has diminished drastically.  Which leads me to another entitlement that has formed, the “playing house” phenomenon where men want all of the perks of being a husband (submission, chastity, love, devotion, cooking, cleaning, living quarters) but they aren’t willing to take the leap.  Hell even after being flogged, fettered and fucked, Ana became Mrs. Christian Grey.      

Harsh Reality #2: No one will follow you if you cannot lead

Can you lead?  I know that the gender roles have changed a bit, most women can earn a decent living nowadays, hell a lot of the men I know earn less than I do.  And in some cases, some of the very men who have pursued me have less than I do, but monetary earnings aren’t the makings of a true leader, a great leader has vision, is accountable and is trustworthy.  If you don’t have behave in that manner how can anyone let alone your significant other follow your lead and in turn submit to your vision, assuming you have one.  If your only reason for desiring submission is to have someone who will play the Michel’le to your Dr. Dre then you aren’t ready to be a husband nevertheless lead anyone. No woman wants to be led to Hell on Earth or after.

Entitlement #3: Physical Requirements

I will never understand how a man will want a woman to have luxuriously naturally long hair, beautiful face without makeup, perfect smile, big breasts, flat stomach, small waist, big booty, lean legs and pedicured feet all the while he has less than perfect hair, a mediocre face, chipped teeth and a beer gut.  What the hell? Why is it that you expect us to be Miss America while you’re Al Bundy.  I admit that sometimes I am a bit picky here but I’ve played the “so I’m not attracted to him now” game and in turn I still wind up turned off sexually and in other facets of the relationship.  I do believe the biology of the physical attraction is valid but one must be realistic with what they want on the outside of a mate.

Harsh Reality #3: The list causes more harm than good.

Yes, the list, the list of physical requirements that you have for all of your suitors must go. You should have standards but not some arbitrary list of physical requirements because not only is it hateful but it’s just not smart.  We can’t go into a factory and build our mate, Lord knows if we could, there’d be millions of women walking around with Odell Beckham Jr. on their arm, sounds idyllic but it’s just not so.  You’re setting yourself up for failure.  There are some deal breakers but sometimes you are attracted to the antithesis of what you think is aesthetically pleasing.  I once dated an overweight man and physically I was as attracted to him as I’d been the tight end who made it to my end zone! LOL!  You never realize how limiting the superficial list can be. 

Entitlement #4 Support and Compromise

Men want support.  Women want support.  Men want compromise.  Women want it all.  With this admission, it seems as though women are the more selfish of the pair.  I’ll admit that I want it all and I want it right now.  But I’m learning to deal with this.  I am not the only one like this and many men are the same.  Men are quick to complain about how women aren’t supportive and we want you to have it all together the minute that you meet but you aren’t completely innocent here either.  Men persecute women because they aren’t willing to put it all on the line for a man who has betrayed their trust before or who hasn’t earned it at all.  Neither sexes are in the clear when it comes to support nor compromise.

Harsh Reality #4: Support and Compromise take work that only comes with time and trust. 

With support and compromise time and trust are the only thing that really yields such.  Men cannot expect women to support them 100% if there hasn’t been any real communication or time put into the relationship.  This goes hand in hand with their hair brained schemes of becoming the next Drake.  Baby if we know you don’t know your metaphors from personification you cannot expect us to just support your desires if there hasn’t been some work put into the relationship nor your “dream”.  While we women must realize that a man will not compromise with us if we haven’t done the same.  How can you expect a man to build you the home of your dreams if you cannot even take care of the apartment that you rent.  If you’re running around in the streets 3-4 nights per week acting like a thot then he cannot support the notion of making you a wife.  If he has a brain at all.

Entitlement?  Are we truly entitled to anything in a relationship?  Yes, we certainly are.  We are entitled to the truth.  The truth is that with everything that we desire, work and time must be given or you aren’t entitled to a damn thing and even then, it isn’t entitled, it’s earned.  The truth of the matter is that when you earn something, you treasure it 100 times more than when it’s just given to you.  So men, don’t be so upset that I make you wait 90 days or so to get this cookie, trust me it gets sweeter and sweeter over time and you’ll appreciate me that much more.  On the other hands ladies accept the 2 for 20 date in the beginning because when he finally gives your the four course meal at the five star restaurant for your six month anniversary it will be a true accomplishment.  We’re all a work of progress and with progression one must know it only comes with work, if you didn’t work for it.  How can you think that you’re entitled to anything?

SMOOCHES!

One of the biggest tragedies that I faced in 2016 was the loss of my best friend, EJ, he was a lifelong friend that you could never ever forget.  His love was real and it was felt and thank God it’s still here.  Every day I think of you, every day I miss you and I don’t think the tears will ever stop because of the way that you were taken from us.  I pray that you are at peace and I know you are in the presence of Love.  Because I know you are with the Lord.  I love you EJ and missing you will never cease.  I thank God for allowing me to have such a friend and I pray that everyone is granted that gift.  Rest in Love and Everlasting Peace, dear sweet friend. 

Greetings all! I pray that you are looking forward to having a loving and thankful holiday season.  We all deserve a day of good food filled with love and family.  As long as there is breath in your body, you are blessed and we should all take stock in that as much as we can.  With that being said, it’s never a bad thing to take stock in other areas in life.  Mainly the type of men that we are entertaining.  Yes, this post is about to go there.  Most people have to have an outlet to deal with the craziness in life.  I have several, one in which is television.  I love to just space out with some good and bad T.V. from time to time.

One spectacular show that I indulge in has made me reflect on the type of men that are floating around out there.  That show is Queen Sugar.  Good fiction is based upon reality, even if we know that it isn’t real, the idea that it could be possible makes it watch-worthy.  Queen Sugar is an hour long drama on the OWN network based upon a novel of the same name by Natalie Baszile.  Both the book and the show are off the hook.  I’d read the book over and over again when given the opportunity and I have every aired episode saved on my DVR to watch whenever I get the chance.  The premise of the show is a family, the Bordelons, finding out that the sugar cane business isn’t as sweet as it sounds.  Some members of the Bordelons are discovering that not all males are as sweet either.  Three dominant male characters from the show has inspired this post.  As women we must ask ourselves are we dealing with a Ralph Angel, Davis or a Remy?

Hershey’s New Flavor, Ralph Angel

The type of woman you are directly reflects the type of man that is dominant in your life.  When I realized this a while ago, a lightbulb came on for me.  Everyone has a journey that they are going through, some people are meant to travel that journey with you, while others aren’t. Oftentimes you have to reach certain destinations in that journey before passengers are welcome, until then, it’s probably best if you travel alone.  In terms of sugar,  I’ll rate these types of men with lollipops.  Early in your life, it’s safe to assume that every woman has been involved with a Ralph Angel.

I would rate the Ralph Angels of the world with three lollipops. 

Let’s keep it real, Ralph Angel is gorgeous, that chocolatey skin alone would make any woman swoon.  He seems to have a genuine heart but he’s got a lot of internal work to do.  Ralph Angel is the guy who’s a little bit of a bad boy, he’s made some mistakes, had a few brushes with the law and has seemed to learned his lesson. However until he gets himself together, I cannot see him being the ideal man for any woman.  There’s a saying that goes “until a man is ready, he will ruin every woman he’s with.”  I think this saying is the embodiment of the Ralph Angels out there.  He’s got the looks, he’s got a steady gig, he’s got a precocious little angel but truth be told, he still has some major issues.  No matter how sweet these men seem or how delectable the loving is, it’s best not to anticipate something long term with this type of man because chances are you’ll wind up with the sour face in the long run.  He has potential, but right now ain’t the time.  This chocolate dish isn’t quite ready just yet.  In this stage in life, you learn to forgo your sweet tooth for a while.

Bitter Baller

Life goes on, you learn to let the Ralph Angels mature as you seek to do the same but you should never let your guard down because if you do, you may wind up with a lollipop that looks sweet but is anything but.  Our hearts go out to Ralph Angel’s sister Charley, who is dealing with the personal hell of divorce, but her divorce is no everyday run of the mill separation, it’s a highly publicized, laced with scandal and humiliation in front of the whole world divorce.  Coupled with the fact that her father just died and she’s trying to manage a sugar cane farm in the midst of a vicious family who’s history includes terrorizing the Bordelons.  Needless to say Charley has some stress she’s faced with, but none of that is worse than the realization of being married to a man for 16 years who was a big fat fraud.  There are thousands of Davis’ out there.  They are handsome, ambitious, talented, smart and packaged exactly how we dream but a big piece that is often overlooked is missing.  That piece is morals.  Morals!  Morals? Remember morals?  They used to be at the top of our list for requirements but somewhere in our morally corrupt society we decided they weren’t as important anymore, especially when everything seems peachy keen.  But when things take a turn for the worse, those morals are the things that matter the most and the lack of morals is probably the root of things going left in the first place.

I would rate Davis as a one lollipop.

You have to be prepared to identify the Davis’ over time because initially pinpointing their sourness won’t be as easy as you think it is.  God forbid you’ve married the undesirable like Charley has.  Davis is the equivalent of a piece of candy that starts out sweet but the more that it inhabits your mouth it becomes a bad mistake and the residue is longstanding.

Remy, Remy, Remy, Yummy!

Whether or not you’ve dealt with a Davis, the reality is “no one is going to blame you for wanting a good man” like Nova Bordelon tells Charley after she’s unsure of a personal decision.  Nova’s brief reassurance reminds us all that under no circumstances will anyone fault you for wanting a good man.  We all want and deserve one.  Truth be told that when you’ve dealt with an asshole or three a good man is doubly appreciated.  Charley is that rare breed of woman who has only been with one man and who only knows how to be monogamous with a presumably good man and when her whole world has been obliterated she craves similar intimacy with a better man than Davis pretended to be.  Enter Remy Newell.  Remy is so dreamy because not only is he fine as shit but he’s a good man, a good manly man, a good chivalrous man, and especially a good moral man.

Remy is rated as five lollipops.

He’s the complete package, he may not have the salary of a Davis, but he’s ambitious and quite intelligent, any man who can breed a special hybrid of sugar cane is no idiot.  The men out there who represent Remy Newell may not have all of the flashy packaging as a Davis but what he stands for exudes so much more, and quite frankly it is sexy as all hell.  It’s the type of sexiness that you grow to appreciate with age and maturity.  We all need and will eventually want the sweetness that Remy is serving in his flattering jeans.  What a package!

Just like we indulge in our favorite shows from time to time, we indulge in men as well but some are sour and some are sweet.  As time goes on, we must learn to determine the difference, will this man be a long-term steady drip of sheer sweetness or will he be an everlasting bitter taste in our mouth once packaged as something desirable?  Evaluate your dessert as you give thanks!

SMOOCHES!

In January, I lost someone who was dear to me, but I am thankful for the love and friendship that I was blessed with while he was here.  He was a dear friend of mine and it’s funny that his father and my beloved father were best friends and now we’re there for one another through the sadness.  As time goes on, make sure that you love the people in your life while you have them and don’t let small bitterness wreck something that could’ve been everlastingly sweet.  Rest in eternal love EJ and know that as long as I am here, you will be represented well.  You and Papi enjoy the holidays up there and know that your love shines through us all daily.

Greetings!  I pray that your fall has been going well and you’re looking forward to the upcoming holiday season.  I certainly am, but as Halloween has just ended many of us still feel as though there are thousands of tricks being placed in our path constantly so it’s only right that I discuss some of the issues that we black women are now faced with.

Recent Realizations

Recently a couple of things have been put in my path that has highlighted some heavy realizations for me.  First of all, as an educator, I was recently asked a typical question by budding educational students at a nearby university, “Why did I get into education?” Then secondly I had to discuss the harsh reality of the world with my favorite niece who’s about to be an adult in a matter of months.  My response to the educational students is that the reason I went into education is because I believe that education along with prayer are the only two things in the world that truly work. When it comes to my niece, I had to give her the same speech that my parents gave me as a teenager, which is the white privilege versus black excellence speech, “You have to be three times better than them in order to get half of what they have.”  With both realizations coupled with the hypocrisy that we are routinely faced with, bearing the crown of a Nubian queen can become troublesome.

Last week, a once popular Florida rapper, Trick Daddy attained a few minutes in the spotlight by posting a video “warning” black women to tighten up their physical appearance because white and Latin women were gaining ground on us.  The entire thing was comical but truth be told behind the comedy of the absurdity lies a lot of hurt and pain.  First of all, he referred to all three groups of women (Black, Latin and White) as “hoes” now I don’t know where you come from, but from where I come from being called a hoe by anyone isn’t pleasant but being referred to as hoes from a washed up ass rapper who looks like stir-fry bad decisions is not popping.  So the simple fact that he used the term “hoes” repeatedly simply means that he wasn’t talking to me.  However, in actuality, we all knew what he meant to say, even if he didn’t articulate it well.  Let’s say for the sake of the argument for a brief minute or two we actually listened to what he had to say, it’s so sad that we black women are still, centuries later bearing the brunt of blatant disrespect and being pitted against other women of other races according to some arbitrary standards of men.  Especially by men some of us wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.  

Thrice Better to get Half

You know the unique thing about a man is that he can look like Trick Daddy and still think he has the absolute right to criticize the appearance of a woman.  You have to love them huh?  Embedded in his ridiculous statements I could simply hear the words of my parents, “you have to be three times better than them, to get half of what they have.” For black men, it’s simply two times which is what my parents made sure I understood.  In this context, I guess black women are starting to lack in beauty standards regardless of the fact that we are documented as this country’s most educated demographic.  Hell, I’m a representation of that.  But is he introducing something valid here?  Am I lacking in the beauty department in some way that doesn’t measure up to the “white hoes” and “Latin hoes” which is why I’m successful but alone?

Which opposition is worse?

Again, the unique thing about a man is the he can look like Trick Daddy or Donald Trump for that matter and think he has the carte blanche to criticize our exterior.  They can criticize our appearance, do they criticize our accomplishments as well?  Is that the reason why men who have five different children with four different women who makes half of what I earn think I’m a total snob when I won’t even consider dating them?  What is the problem here?  It’s not a fully racial one, because if that was so, Trick Daddy’s disgusting thinking wouldn’t exist and quite frankly, he isn’t the only black man out there who feels that way about “us”, there are plenty of black men who feel that way about the women who’d go to war for them.

The weight of the crown is heavy when on the left you have the Trick Daddies of the world and on the right, you have Donald Trumps lurking in every direction.  This realization may make you even question whether or not these imbeciles see your crown.  Maybe we need to add more jewels.  Let’s see there’s the jewel of spirituality, worshipping a savior who loves and values women, giving life, possessing a natural and coveted beauty, educating ourselves and hustling so hard that you damn near have to redefine the term.  All or many of these jewels sit in the crown of the average woman in the modern world but so often men don’t behave in a way that is appreciative of such.  Instead we get criticisms from a washed up rapper who looks like walking gonorrhea and blatant disrespect from a presidential candidate who is a joke personified.

“The most disrespected person in America is the Black Woman.”-Malcolm X

Years later and Brother Malcolm’s words still ring true like they have never before.  We are disrespected by others and we are disrespected by our own, the latter admission cuts deeper than any other wound because of how we go hard for the black man.  Studies show that majority of the black women in prison are serving sentences that had something to do with a man.  I myself have even gone against my better judgment and tried to give a black gargoyle or two a chance and in turn wound up on the receiving end of either blatant or indirect disrespect.  Thankfully I have sense enough to nip the sh*t in the bud as soon as it occurs.  However, for so many women, that isn’t the case.  The disrespect continues to build over time and if not educated properly, the outcomes are damaging.

The Most Educated Demographic in America 

Black women are the most educated, lettered demographic in the United States.  That means that we out number our sisters in terms of trying to better ourselves but oftentimes that isn’t what is highlighted about us.  What’s publicized most about is our appearance, whether or not we can truly twerk and everything else truly irrelevant that the masses can identify.  Let’s take stock here, why is the male dominated world so damn afraid of empowering the black woman?  Are they afraid?  Are they intimidated?  Quite frankly, I believe they are…What could being the most educated result in? 

1. We are the contradiction of what white supremacy said we were good for (bedwarmers and broodmares).
2. We are contradictory to the idea of feminine inferiority.
3. We can support ourselves financially.
4. Our mental capacity is as great if not greater than our male counterparts.
5.  The possibility of a black female president someday.
6. Most importantly, the absolute guarantee that a black woman will read your asses to the gawds with informative receipts that will not only take you down a peg or three but will nail your sorry asses to the wall!

In other words, Tricks and Trumps please!