Did I Shave My Legs for This?

Greetings all!  Fall is upon us whenever summer decides to take its leave.  I think everyone will be glad when summer decides to depart.  As summer is trying its best to hang on, so is my single status.  LOL!  You knew it was coming.  Blog after blog, post after post, my singleness has not changed but my insight has shifted.

I will not sacrifice my spirit for a man.

I will repeat that again.

I will not sacrifice my spirit for a man. 

As time passes, days turn into nights, weeks into months and months into seasons there are times when I’m concerned with being in a relationship but more often than not, I’m not concerned.  What I’m more concerned with is my spirit.  When was the last time you ever just wondered or pondered about your spirit? The double-edged sword that comes with being alone, is being alone.  Sometimes you love it and sometimes the quiet is loud and it gives you the opportunity to really reflect.  Reflection is good.

My Spirit

My spirit is enigmatic.  There are times when my spirit is loud, it’s rambunctious and restless.  I want to travel, explore and do hoodrat shit with my friends and it’s glorious.  Many of my best memories are built from the enigma that is me.  You can’t put me into a box, I won’t fit.

My spirit is discerning.  I read vibes, I listen to my body, my heart, my mind, and thus my spirit moves accordingly.  Everyone doesn’t deserve the privilege of being near me because we’re not traveling in similar paths in life.  I think it’s selfish to take up or entertain someone that you know you can’t get down with.  Listen to the signs.  They are there for a reason.

My spirit is nurturing.  To the people who are in my life, they will tell you that it’s something in my spirit that makes sure that I take care of those who I love, even when they don’t necessarily return the favor.  I am the friend who will have all of the necessities in my purse for a night out, I am the friend that will make sure you eat physically and metaphorically and who will put your wants before that of my own.  With that being said, my spirit loves to nurture, but my spirit cannot be trampled.

My spirit is sensual.  I embrace my feminity straight from the motherland punctuated by melanin shining on the surface and rooted in the truth of my goodness.  My sensuality isn’t to be shared with just anyone.

So again, I won’t sacrifice my spirit for a man.  But my spirit will be adorned by a king.

The Realization

I have come to the realization that I just may wind up alone for the rest of my life because what I desire in a king may not be in the environment in which I reside.  My energetic, enigmatic spirit cannot be cultivated with a man who doesn’t have the financial resources to accompany me as I explore.  Money equates to power and power equates freedom.  Finance has its place in romance despite what people will have you believe.  Realize this.  If I was to sacrifice this restless portion of my spirit, am I truly being fair to myself?  What about the inviting part of my spirit?  Shit, put it on out there, everyone isn’t deserving.  Do I put up with the asshole just because he’s there?  Absolutely not.  Exit stage left.  Somewhere along the line, many women allowed many men to feel as though the only qualifications that they need are a penis and a pulse and that makes them deserving of us.  Well, not this woman.  If my spirit deflects you, so will I.

My nurturing spirit needs to make my love a sandwich.  I want to sing Ella Mai’s Breakfast in Bed while providing such.  Nurturing has its place, therefore, it must be given to the right man, not just anyone.  The nurturing of one’s significant other is quite different from the nurturing of a child.  A child deserves nurturing simply upon creation but a significant other only receives such when they reciprocate the care.  A man who provides emotional security deserves a nurturing environment but one who only brings chaos isn’t deserving of my love.

After a series of bad dates.  A couple of ghosting instances the realization came to me.  I’m not saying that I lost hope, I’m saying that I faced the reality.  What I desire in my love life just may not happen.  Relationships are no longer partnerships of people who want to share instead situations where someone is trying to feed off the other person.  Scientifically, humans are no longer in symbiotic relationships anymore, instead, they are more parasitic in nature.  I wasn’t raised to be a parasite nor the prey.

I won’t allow my spirit to be preyed upon but I pray that spirit is cherished by the right king.  With the appreciation of my spirit and the pride that I have in cultivating such, I am liberated by the fact that alone my spirit is intact.  That is a beautiful thing.  Therefore if my lone status is eradicated, just know that my spirit won’t be hurt either.  A relationship is built on compromise, that I don’t mind but sacrifice I will not do.

With this realization, I am liberated. 

SMOOCHES!

My spirit is a gift from God but it was cultivated by Papi.  He is coursing through every enigmatic, energetic thing that I do.  He taught me to be loving and to be a great friend, as time goes on without my dear friend, EJ, sadness still lingers but the hope is greater.  If these two men who were taken from me loved me unconditionally, certainly there lies someone else but just in case there isn’t,  I can remember that for a very long time, there were two.