Greetings all! I pray you all have had a wonderful holiday season and that you’re looking forward to a fresh new start in 2018. I know I certainly am. By the way, whoever did Voodoo on my love life in 2016 and 2017 I’d appreciate it if you’d lift that shit ASAP. LOL! Hey, I had to throw a joke in there, if you can’t make fun of your dysfunctional, non-existent love life, then what good is having one? With that being said, 2017 has been interesting from a spectator’s point of view and I’ve witnessed some things that I know both men and women are tired of dealing with, so I asked about 8 adults of the opposite sex, what exactly would they like to see left in 2017 as it pertains to dating? And, the countdown begins.
#10. Closed-Minded Ideals
According to my friend, Jayla (I’m using pseudonyms here people, but the sexes match) she thinks that we should get rid of our closed-minded ideas when it comes to dating due to superficial preferences. With this particular baggage, I agree, to a degree. Now I am a big advocate of attraction, there are some things that turn one on and turn you completely off but having a list of things such as skin complexion, hair preferences and sizes is just plain superficial and may be the very reason why you’re alone. Now, I like what I like and if a guy is clean-cut and he still doesn’t float my boat, then that list is pretty much useless. I’ve dated guys who were on the hefty side but they had sex appeal and despite my Caribbean roots, I’d prefer if my guy didn’t have dreads, but given the opportunity, I wouldn’t turn down Larry Fitzgerald at all. That’s because those dreads are hella neat, he’s hella sexy and loves to travel the world. Talk about a winner. Jayla’s whole point is that her list of superficial preferences almost kept her from experiencing a great guy. I’m so glad that she didn’t let it go too far.
#9. Social Media Over-Sharing
My friend Rob is dope. Let me just say that, he’s one of those great male friends that you just love and he probably can do no wrong in my eyes. He thinks that people put way too much on social media when it comes to relationships and I agree with him. There’s nothing wrong with letting people know about your happiness but hell people won’t be engaged thirty damn minutes before that person that they met at concert five years ago knows about it. What’s the harm in that you say? Well, it has been my experience that most people who say that they wish you well really don’t, and who knows what type of venom they’re spitting out into the universe about your relationship. Especially with these “He used to be in my DM’s” ass heifers and “I used to hook up with her” type boys. Sometimes without even being aware, people are just haters and who needs that type of aggravation in their lives? In addition, some things we just know. If every time your man does anything you have to go bragging about it on social media, are you happy? Really? Are you really happy? Who are you trying to convince? Who are you trying to impress? Maybe you should seek therapy instead of validation from mostly strangers who really don’t give a damn about you anyway. It’s a cold game out there and I’m so glad I have Rob to help me to play this game.
My friend Holly contributed this to the conversation and I think both men and women are plain sick of this ish. Inconsistency is infuriating, it creates unnecessary mind games and it’s downright disrespectful. I’m an advocate of doing to others what you would want done to you and I’d never be deliberately inconsistent with someone. This lies is in the unpredictable texts, unreliable behavior and just wishy-washy everything. That’s no way to live or treat anyone. Inconsistency doesn’t yield results in any situation. What it yields is hurt and mistrust. Imagine if you got pregnant by an inconsistent man. I’d imagine a lot of baby fathers are symbols of inconsistency and it’s horrible parenting behavior as well. With this realization, inconsistency needs to really be left in 2017.
Oh what a tangle web we weave when we WYD all damn day. Ugh. I am sick of this shit. As my friend Simone is sick of this, one has to admit that sometimes it has its perks. Sent from the right guy at the right time this can have promising returns but let’s face it, the chances of that happening is probably about one out of ten. So for the sake of 90% sanity, just say what you want and let’s move on. If your ass is bored while you’re in line at Best Buy and just want something to do, don’t send me a damn WYD text if you don’t have any plans of making plans with me right then and there. It’s the textual equivalent of dead silence on a phone. If it’s sent by a girl or guy that you like and they have nothing on the receiving end of it, it’s the equivalent of being hit in the face with a pie. Just walked right into that embarrassment however if it’s from someone who you don’t really want to deal with, it’s just damn annoying. So let’s stop it people.
Ghosting is just what it sounds like. You’re getting along well with someone whether you’re in the talking or dating stages and then poof they disappear. There’s that doing to others what you’d want done to you again. When someone plays Casper in your life they don’t care about you truly, they are just plain selfish. My friend Ryan brought this to my attention and since she’s been dating this year while I hadn’t I feel her pain and that of other women as well. I hadn’t really heard of women doing this but I’m quite sure men do this way too much. Now I understand we’re grown and have grown people things to deal with on a regular basis but no one is too damn busy to pick up a phone and tell you in a brief conversation exactly what is going on if it’s some thing valid as to why you can’t be around. It saves people so much anxiety when they actually know what’s going on and it keeps people from searching for closure with someone who isn’t there to seek closure with.
#5. Netflix and Chill
LOL! You know you laughed out loud when you saw that one. Netflix and Chill translates into you’d better be on the pill, I’ve said this a hundred times. Luckily for me, I hadn’t indulged in this activity but plenty of men have tried to run that game shit on me, and I decline every damn time. I’m no fool. No, I’m not one of those women who wants a full course meal every time we go out but I believe the evidence is in one’s effort. Netflix and Chill equals no effort and you get indoor activity. My friend Natalie is right and we should just leave that shit in 2017. If you’re broke, just say it and perhaps we maybe open to Netflix and Chill but leading with that shit is just plain disrespectful and it diminishes the worth of our time. Sometimes a woman’s greatest thrill is in getting ready for a date, where’s the thrill in Netflix and Chill 3-4 times a month? GTFOH.
#4. Measuring One’s Worth in Relationships
My girl Mona is funny. She’s a quirky type of funny that is hard to find, any man who winds up with her should love this quirky behavior. She and I both come from families where the mother and father have loved each other forever so it’s not hard to see how sometimes she and others like her feel diminished by their single status. Luckily for me, my parents were anything but conventional. My Mami and Papi loved each other for 37 years until my Papi journeyed to heaven but they understood the change in the dating climate while Mona’s parents aren’t as privy to such. Throughout the duration of this year, I have witnessed a lot of women who feel the weight of being an “old maid” many times I think that’s the reason why they run to social media for validation. This year was a year of exploration for me. I indulged in so many things that weren’t based on relationships that I found meanings that I never knew existed. You can be awesome alone. Just know that and if you’re in a relationship and you still don’t feel awesome, you need to end it.
Moving along with things that should be left behind, my friend Ronnie added stereotyping races to the conversation. He thinks that black women making blanketed comments about black men and assuming that other races don’t have similar problems should be a thing of the past. I agree to a degree. I don’t like stereotypes but I do believe that certain major things that are prevalent in certain races should be addressed. We should seek to uplift one another but we must call a spade a spade. I don’t believe that white men are better than black and I don’t think anyone should think that or vice versa but if a lot of Caucasian men are guilty of doing some foul shit then we should call them out on it as we do our African kings. I can be the police when it comes to this shit. For instance, there’s a white man who has tried to date me right now on my Facebook timeline who is a Trump supporter. If he don’t get his ass on. There is no way I can justify your existence at all. And that’s one stereotype that I gladly stand behind. Back to the subject at hand, you cannot assume that all black men are the same nor can you do for any other demographic.
#2. Just being in any relationship. #1. Assuming Single Equates Desperation
The last two are contributed by yours truly. The older I get, the more distinct my preferences are. The preferences aren’t superficial, they are real. They deal solely with real world shit. It’s just some things I’m not going to put up with. It’s certain things I cannot deal with and just because a guy is breathing doesn’t mean I’m going to just be with him. No. Not going to happen. I’d rather be alone than unhappy. I am alone but very happy. I know what I want and what I need and I’ll be damned if I’m saddled with anything less. There are men that I can just be with, but that’s a recipe for disaster for someone like me. I can be the sweetest person ever but by the same token I can be hella bitchy. I didn’t grow up in dysfunction and I won’t live in it. So just leave the notion that wonderful women should just be with someone to avoid loneliness. Don’t disrespect my existence and don’t try to diminish it either. Also leave the idea of hooking up your single friends up with other single friends in 2017 especially if you don’t really know either one of them well enough to determine if an impending disaster could be looming. Doing that is condescending and trite. Leave it alone. Let them be great alone.
Stepping into 2018
Let’s be optimistic but realistic. Let’s have faith over fear and love like crazy, but don’t be crazy. I want all of us to win in 2018 but in order to do that, there are some things we must simply leave behind which aren’t limited to my top ten list. On today, let’s do some soul searching and reflecting and devise a plan for progress in every area of life.
As 2018 approaches, there’s an anniversary that I’m not looking forward to. It’s the second anniversary of the day that someone unfairly took your life. I pray that she is learning her lesson and that God has mercy on her soul. Nothing we can do will bring you back and it hurts like hell. I miss you so much. There are no words to express how much you mean to me. Your friendship was insurmountable, that’s what I miss the most. Rest in Love EJ, keep looking out for us up there.