Greetings all! I pray that your summer thus far has been filled with as much fun and sun as you desire. For me, it’s been filled with work and reflection. In my profession, I’ve been reflecting on the past school year in order to determine the direction for the schools in which I service and working towards planning for a positive goal while in my personal life I’ve been reflecting on the notion of actually allowing myself to “fall in love” in the midst of the craziness that the world has to offer. Unless you’ve been under a rock the last couple of days, I’m sure you’ve heard a great deal about the relationship of yet another Kardashian. However this time, the tea spiller isn’t female, the star of the madness has been the elusive Rob Kardashian, the brother of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie. Rob is the Kardashian who usually flies underneath the radar and up until about a year ago, I believed his role out of the spotlight was intentional however now I’m not so sure. But before I elaborate as to why this whole relationship fiasco is related to my topic at hand, I think I should discuss some essential information.
In today’s society, falling in love is still popular, but it’s not as easy nor romanticized as it has been in the past. The entire notion isn’t truly thought of as romantic anymore, it’s downright damn scary. I’m not going to lie, falling again scares the entire shit out of me. I also know that I am not alone in such. There are tons of women and men who feel the same way as I do. People have ulterior motives these days that are deceitful, evil and sometimes deadly. Not to mention, the things that block you from even getting to the romantic side of things, the limitations. There are tons of limitations out there that take the pleasantries and beauty of the idea alone.
Sunday afternoon I spent the afternoon with one of my girlfriends, we spent a great deal of our time watching a romantic classic, Love Jones, which just turned 20 years old and we noticed some things in the film that we weren’t cognizant of prior to Sunday. It’s amazing how you can look at the same movie again and again and see something completely different at each viewing. Upon viewing this movie with today’s trials in mind we realized that even 20 years ago, Darius and Nina were having the same communication problems with the opposite sex despite the fact that now we have social media, smartphones, texting, email and who knows what else that is meant for the sole purpose of communication. Darius and Nina would’ve spared each other so much time and heartache if the other one just said exactly how they felt about the other one as opposed to playing games and not saying what they felt.
They are no different from we millenials today. Here I sit writing a blog instead of picking up the phone and telling the guy that I like, that I like him. I fail to communicate such for probably some of the same reasons that Darius didn’t want to tell Nina that he didn’t want her to go to New York or the same dilemma that Nina was faced with when she saw Darius at the store with another woman. Fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, fear of being played, fear of not being in control. Proper communication can eliminate all of these things. Instead of texting someone “wyd”, just pick up the damn phone and call them and ask them out later on, even if it’s just for a walk in the park. But instead, today’s man is too afraid of being called “thirsty” therefore their communication skills are sorely lacking. In addition, we aren’t completely off the hook as women as well, because we could let guys off the hook every now and again and express through communication that we’d actually give that guy the time of day if they admirably pursued us appropriately.
Limitation #2—Perception, Deception and Betrayal
Back to this Rob and Blac Chyna debacle, quite frankly, this shit is sad. Not to say we didn’t all know it wasn’t coming. Everyone knew that Rob was a sucker as stated by Snoop Dogg, he got “licked”, that’s what suckers do, they get licked in more ways than one. But Rob represents what a lot of us must do in order to fall in love, which is being vulnerable. Too often, people are taken advantage of when they are too vulnerable. Now Rob allowed Chyna full access to his heart and consequently his money which is what made him a damn fool for love. But perception is a son-of-a-bitch. Rob probably believed that he was truly in love with someone who felt the same because it was perceived as all of the things that he wanted. From an outsider’s perspective, Rob is going through some things and he’s appeared to be going through such for quite some time with his dramatic weight gain. The weight gain coupled with his last name being synonymous with the personification of “picture-perfect” and “red carpet ready” allowed him to be a perfect target for an opportunist. Chyna probably represented the perception of true love and in turn deception and betrayal wasn’t far away and we’ve seen such in the last couple of days. She’s been seen with another man in the mansion supplied by her baby’s father and former fiance. With the fall out the perception is that she never really loved Rob at all, she was just out for the money and payback to the family of the girl who stole her first baby’s father away. Even though many see this as pure and utter entertainment, the fact remains that this is real life and an adorable baby girl is caught in the crossfire.
I’m not going to lie, one of the many reasons why I’ve been extremely careful over the years is because I don’t want to be involved in a similar shit show once love has turned sour. One of my biggest fears is getting knocked up by someone who I will one day hate. Therefore I watch what I do and most importantly whom I choose to entertain. Although I don’t have pockets as deep as a Kardashian, I’ll be damned if I dish out my coinage to a man. It’s just not going to happen, relinquishing of funds is attached to a level of vulnerability that I’m just not ready to pursue and I’m not sure I ever will because I refuse to even entertain a man who makes less than me. Call me shallow, call me vain, call me what you will but it’s a deal breaker for me. Sometimes celebrities can serve as a cautionary tale for a lot of us because they live their lives in the public eye. Rob and Chyna’s hot mess can teach all of us a thing or two and the list of celebrity characters is endless, what about Mary and Kendu? Mr. Isaacs had us all fooled, we all thought that he was a great wholesome man but it turns out he was just as opportunistic as Blac Chyna, the only difference is that he drug his deception out over a longer period of time.
The Fear of Falling
Will Smith said that the best things in life are on the other side of fear. I believe this is true. In a viral video, he describes the feeling of skydiving and how the fear can be a barrier but the feeling of actually going through with the feat is incredibly exhilarating. I’ve experienced rollercoaster rides, ziplining, rock climbing, being on a turbulent plane ride for the first time and the feelings afterwards were in fact incredible. They were satisfying, gratifying, and utterly beautiful which is much like falling in love, or similar to what it should be.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.—–This scripture alone describes what love should do for us. It shouldn’t be a situation where evil is erupted but protects us and arms us with trust, hope and perserverance.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.—This is my favorite scripture as it pertains to love. Treat me as you want me to treat you. Relationships can sometimes become messy and filthy due to the dirt of contemporary life but if you treat others as you wish to be treated you should be able to freely enter into new love once a failed relationship is over.
Because I’ve never had a malicious intent when involved with the opposite sex in the name of love, someone such as myself shouldn’t have the fear of falling but truth be told the worldly influences that we face are disheartening. Because of these limitations, those like myself have developed weapons to combat those wicked ones who use the name of love for ill intentions.
Psalm 119:66: Teach me good discernment and knowledge, For I believe in Your commandments.—–Discernment isn’t a bad thing but my level of discernment is compiled of divine intervention, woman’s intuition and use of intelligence. All of those things encourages me to look at love or the possibility of it with a fine tooth comb and I am very particular and careful with whom I choose to entertain. Others should learn to develop this skill, Lord knows Rob Kardashian should have. I don’t think of him as a complete victim but the truth of the matter is that he was a sucker and he got licked. No one wants to be in that type of predicament and it’s doubly awful when the entire world knows what’s dirty in your laundry. In today’s society, it’s not hard for the public to be aware of what’s good and bad in your relationship so if used properly, discernment may save you some heartache in the long run.
Weapon #2—Extreme Caution
With the weapon of discernment, one must proceed with caution of what they do, when they do it and who they choose to do it with. I’ve become a master of such over the years because the amount of people that I even entertain has become incredibly small and not just in the prospect of dating but in life in general. It’s better to be safe than sorry, right?
Facing the Fear
So what or how can we overcome the madness of the world and experience the joy of falling in love the right way? Truthfully, I don’t have the ultimate cure however I believe that if we use those weapons against those limitations and put our faith in God he will lead us towards someone that we can be transparent and vulnerable with. Until we are faced with that person, God will send us signs of uncertainty to wake us up if we’re faced with false perception of love because as it says in Corinthians, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. God will send you signs as to whom you can let your guard down with and be completely vulnerable with. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. You can rest assure that a person who is only looking for monetary trappings or materialistic trappings is a self-seeking person which is contradictory to the fifth verse of this scripture. So the signs will be there if you should head for the hills if this person is only seeking things for one’s self. Lastly, 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love shouldn’t be filled with insecurity and uncertainty because you’ll feel protected and hopeful. So in closing, I think I will use these tools that I’ve crafted with the help of the man above as a parachute when I fall again just in case I’m not taking the plunge with the right man.
One of the many tools that God has given me over the years is the blessings of great friends. Some of the principles that I live and love by are ones that were cultivated by my dear friend E.J. He and I used to talk for hours about relationship woes. When things didn’t sit quite well with me, I always knew he would tell me what I needed to know and not necessarily what I wanted to hear. For him, I was the same. I miss him for 100,000 reasons, and dealing with dating in this day and age adds another reason to miss him when I’m having trouble with discernment. I miss you brother and I pray you are at peace. You are loved and you will never be forgotten. Rest on.
July 11, 2017 at 7:23 pm
I feel like you opened my heart and directly sought commentary from its experiences. I cannot begin to put into words how much I relate as an educated, successful young black woman. If you add the fact that I am disabled, it puts me in a totally different category it seems. It’s definitely hard to date in today’s society where women like ourselves are overlooked — not because we are lacking in any area– but simply because we will not settle for anything less than great. “Great” in this sense means stable, confident and a natural born leader. We are not your bed buddy, ATM, reincarnation of your mother. We want to be supported and lifted at times and not always have to dominate these roles when a man is on ” the come up” or healing himself. We want a man to be our motivation to do and be even better than we are. Our sentiments are like this because most of us who educated and single have one common trait (flaw)– our big hearts, which often land us in what I like to call the Executive Home Girl category. The strange thing is that guys notice this right away and feel comfortable enough to “kick it” and dump their emotional woes and baggage on us, yet they don’t want us romantically or feel some type of way when someone does. One day it’ll all make sense.
July 11, 2017 at 7:27 pm
Thank you darling! I appreciate your commentary and you’re absolutely right. It’s like a double edged sword, your blessings can be weapons and they can be liabilities.