Greetings all! I hope the emergence of spring has brought new beginnings to your lives in every single aspect as possible. New beginnings are beautiful however be sure that through new relationship horizons you aren’t just swapping sugar for shit. By now you can tell that I plan to go there. All the way there.
For my regular readers not only do I appreciate you but you’ve gotten to know me better and you know that I don’t play about my standards. They are up there. I think I am fucking awesome and that’s what I want in a man, one who is fucking awesome.
“I reflect what I expect”-A. Grandberry
With that being said, I’ve learned that sometimes in life you have to say what you don’t want in order to discover exactly what it is that you do what. Here are a few things on my unwanted list.
- I’d rather talk to no one than a MF that’s going to WYD me all damn day.
- I’d rather spend time with a battery operated device than lie with someone who makes me want to throw up.
- I’d rather read a book that I’ve read 10 times than spend time with someone who is one dimensional.
That’s just a few but I have a list that is a mile long. Last month I wrote about how society doesn’t even allow women to have the same standards as men are allowed to have while now I’m going to reflect on how women are expected to just put up with so much more than men are when it comes to relationships. I have it broken down into four categories: expectations (I’m going there again), sexual histories, sexual demands and true desires.
You say I’m spoiled, I say I’m appreciated,
You say I’m unrealistic, I say limitless,
You say I’m picky, I say I’m selective,
Settling would be a slap in the face of the village that raised me.
When you grow up in a loving household where you have two parents who do every single thing in their power to make sure their children are good and most importantly who love one another it sets the bar high. I never saw my father mistreat my mother nor did I see my mother take my father for granted. Until the day he took his last breath, all i ever saw was laughter, love, growth and appreciation. With that being said, I expect the same. I will give the same and I want to share the rest of my life with someone that I don’t need, but I want. Recently someone said to me have you ever heard the phrase “like what likes you.”
I laughed so hard at this uttered phrase because their justification was that I should be so grateful that any man with a pulse and a penis “likes me”…. That is the most absurd thing that I’ve ever heard. I am a woman of quality, I’m not going to list my qualifications, you know them. When you are a woman of quality many men will like you, but are many men worthy of you? My response to that is, “I bet there are a lot of women who are pushing up daisies simply because they liked what the fuck liked them!” How many times have we watched series about the demise of women at the hands of men they were involved with and when certain information was told you wondered “what the hell was she doing with him anyway?” For me, dozens of times. Well if I simply liked what liked me, I’d entertain, the following: The stereotype who has five children with four different women (one set happened to be twins), a potentially psychotic maintenance man, a dope boy who works for Verizon by day and moves weight at night and a close-minded idiot who has virtually never left the Tri-state area. So simply liking what the fuck likes me, just ain’t gone get the life that I desire and deserve. Thanks but no thanks. The compromise that lies with expectations is simple. I know that the probability of me finding a man who looks like Trey Songz who makes 6 figures and has no baggage is highly unlikely. But being equally yoked is a blessing. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals”, Phillipians 4:6 says “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” and Proverbs 12:4 says “an excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” I don’t know about your God, but my God is not going to allow me to be some crown to a man who’s left an irresponsible trail of broken promises behind nor a man who jeopardizes my safety because of the profession that he’s chosen simply because he didn’t want to take his ass to college. I can compromise with someone that has potential, but if there is nothing that I can work with and any interaction with that person makes me want to roll my eyes until they look like a slot machine, no thank you.
2. Sexual Histories
“This city is too small”
Translation: They’ve fucked a lot of your acquaintances.
It’s a sad and simple reality. When you mention a guy’s name and your friends know him intimately it makes you do a double take and there’s a lot of ways that you can take that. If the friend is dear to you and very close the only way to handle it is just to say no, you’ve either got to cut him loose or have friction between your girlfriend because women are wired completely differently. We’re very much like cats, finicky and oddly territorial as are men. If you and the friend aren’t that close then you can risk it. With that being said no one calls that man a hoe when that happens continuously however if a woman does it, there’s a big discussion and issue to be had. I’m not oblivious to the fact that it just doesn’t look good for a woman to have had a lot of sexual partners but why does it seem okay for men to do what is considered taboo for us?
This is an old question. A question that is probably older than any person walking this earth however just like a man doesn’t want a woman who’s been around the block more than a few times, I don’t want it either. If I take my man to a Greek function and I hear about him with multiple members of all four of the female black letter organizations then we have a damn problem. “Baby, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do.” I do believe in second chances but when it gets to be something repetitive then we’re going to have some issues that will reoccur as well. No one wants unnecessary issues. They say that every person is linked to each other through 6 degrees of separation, if you discover that your man or woman has slept with every third person or so in your personal or professional circle, uh…. yeah…. you may have some things you need to discuss. Where is the compromise here? You can compromise if it occurs once and that friend that may have shared something intimate with your possible mate isn’t that close or doesn’t have an issue with such. But if this continues to happen over and over again, there is no compromise. It’s time to simply move on or deal with the fallout. Be sure before you make the decision.
3. Sexual Demands
“Society is ugly, there are a lot of things that the masses accept that are not only immoral but will make you feel empty and sorrowful.” -A. Grandberry
Where is the compromise here? When should you compromise and when should you flat out say hell to the no? I’m always appalled by some of the things that women allow themselves to indulge in when it comes to the sexual desires of their men. But where does the line between desire and demeaning exist? Sexual desires are weird and sometimes taboo. There are some things that turn us on and we cannot explain why nor where it comes from but my question is, why ask your partner to do something that you know you wouldn’t do if the tables were turned or better yet, something you know they wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with? A few things that I’ve heard or have come face to face with are the following: anal sex, sex tapes and threesomes.
Men and the ass are always a funny combination. Some women are into the backdoor adoration but some just aren’t. My thing is if your woman doesn’t like it then why do you insist on such? A woman has the right to say no just like you have the right to say no to the finger in the ass. LOL! Yes I went there.
Secondly, the sex tapes are a bit taboo. A lot of us are curious as to what we look like but there are a lot of women who are downright terrified of the fact that the footage could be released. Who wouldn’t be, no one wants to see themselves in action for the public unless they’ve chosen that line of work. So if you know that isn’t something that your partner doesn’t want to do, why would you insist or even trick them into being intimate while you secretly film them? Yes, it happens. When this sort of thing goes down, there is no compromise. Leave it alone. And if you’re with someone who sneaks and does it, you’ve been violated on a whole new level. This is an ultimate betrayal. It’s a breach of trust, without trust, there’s no solid foundation for a relationship. If someone feels strongly about something, respect their wishes and leave it alone. Why potentially bruise a person’s self-esteem just because your level of freak isn’t equal to theirs?
Lastly, threesomes….. le sigh…. I get so sick and tired of people acting like this shit is normal. No the fuck it ain’t! A queen doesn’t share her throne, that throne marks her place in the kingdom, why on earth would I allow another female to position herself to potentially overthrow me?
I am a woman, I love being a woman, most importantly I am a woman who feels strongly about her sexuality. I strongly prefer the penis over any other alternative out there, with that being said, why do you think it’s cool for your woman to want another woman or for you all to share even if it’s only for one night? If that’s what you like, that’s what you like, but for me, no likey… I love men, I like the penis and that’s all I want. Also, I don’t like to share. Talking about a mental breakdown, seeing another woman all over my man would cause a major problem with me. I don’t like to share, if you loved me, you wouldn’t either… I AM ENOUGH! Also the notion of bringing another person into the relationship regardless of the sex is never a good idea. At first it’s all peachy keen but soon enough something bad happens. Have you heard about the whole Mel B and Stephen Belafonte divorce drama? They invited the nanny into their bedroom and coupled with their other issues, they opened a Pandora’s box of misery for the Spice Girl and now all of their dirty dealings are laid out for the world to hear about…. well isn’t that fun?
Besides most men barely know how to give 100% pleasure to one woman are you aiming to piss two off at the same time? The entire threesome conundrum is something that I will never understand, if it’s two men and one woman it’s not considered the same, but if it’s two women and one man, it’s okay? Huh, I will never get it because either way you slice it, someone is the clear winner in that situation and for me, it wouldn’t be me because I don’t like women. I love men.
There’s hardly any compromise in a situation like this because if you ask someone to do something that they aren’t physically comfortable with regardless of the outcomes they are going to feel slighted. Instead of searching for someone else to add to the equation how about perfecting the connection between the people in the relationship? And please, men don’t try and guilt trip a woman into adhering to your sexual prowess simply because you are a man with these lame ass excuses:
- Monogamy isn’t a characteristic of men, why do you think there are so many women in the world?
- It gets boring with one woman all of the time.
- Would you rather me cheat with you or on you?
Women don’t fall for that shit, you are enough. And when it comes down to quality even though I’m uncertain about what goes down with other couples but I’m sure Barack wouldn’t ask Michelle to get down like that, nor would Rev. Run ask Justine, Grant wouldn’t come at Tamia that way nor would Denzel step to Pauline with such a request…. so don’t you allow some MF who’s barely clearing 45,000 a year who drives a Dodge Charger to trick you into being a sexual deviant for his benefit. His ass will be just fine. If you asked him to have another man in the bedroom he’d lose his damn mind, so put your foot down and if he can’t accept it, well, there’s the door. This is one of those things where just because “everyone else is doing it,” doesn’t mean you have to unless you want to.
Hell, Tiny left T.I, Paula left Robin, Lala left Melo and Angelina left Brad, you certainly can start over again.
Compromise is a wonderful thing if both of you stand to benefit someway and the other person doesn’t feel had or used. But if there’s a chance that it’s just going to make the other person miserable for the long haul, it’s just not worth it. If you know that you cannot be with a man who has more baggage than an airplane carousel then there is no justification for giving him a chance. If the idea of dozens and dozens of the people who you interact with daily have been intimate with someone that you’re spending time with makes you crazy, then leave it be and if your sexual desires are going to make your partner feel disgusted and unworthy then you have to decide which is more important, that person or the desire?
So ask yourself, are you truly compromising or are you putting up with some shit?
Over a year ago, I lost a friend, a dear friend, a friend who filled my life with laughter, realness and tolerance. Each day without him is difficult, but he will always be with me. EJ your life was unnecessarily cut short but your legacy lives on and your spirit travels with me always. I love you, I miss you and I will never forget you brother. Rest in love and rest in peace.