- Greetings! I certainly hope everyone had an eventful summer and is looking forward to a prosperous fall. Sorry I’ve been working so hard that I hadn’t been able to write as frequently but have no fear just because my life has been mostly dull doesn’t mean I don’t have material. When life gives me lemons I’m sure to make vodka lemonade. Although nothing truly exciting has happened for me over the summer, I am more than willing to share with you a recent eye-opening experience.
As we get older, certain things begin to change for the worse, especially the amount of eligible people to date. This is especially true if you have standards, requirements or deal breakers. Some people choose to get rid of the requirements, tweak their standards or forget their deal breakers when things become bleak. When you get to the eighth month of the year and you hadn’t even had eight dates, regardless of how content you are, sometimes you reluctantly consider some things. I myself am no exception. I began to think, I have to shake things up a bit. However I still have certain standards that I’m pretty much unyielding about, mainly physical attraction. When you meet virtually no one that you’re attracted to and the population of available men that you’re attracted to is non-existent you briefly rethink things. Then life happens.
A new guy came in the picture, in possible pursuit of my affections. He began to contact me via social media, unfortunately a normal staple of our now everyday lives and briefly I thought “what if?” Physical attraction means something to me, it’s a cosmic something or other that ties into my instincts and there hadn’t been many times where my instincts let me down. As it turns out my instincts were ultimately dead on as this entire situation unfolds. The guy was not someone that I’d physically like at all. There is a complete list about his exterior that isn’t my cup of tea. Truly, the only positive I really had is that he wasn’t hideous. My instincts were whispering to me, “don’t get your hopes up, don’t waste your time.” I turned down the volume and continued to communicate with him and even allowed him to gain knowledge about little old me in the midst of him asking 100 freaking questions.
The inquisition continued and I found out things about him, he was older than me, a tad bit older than I usually mesh with. He had no children, had never been married, a white collar job in a similar field as I and had quite a bit to say. He’s what you’d call a “good on paper guy” but as the feminine mantra goes, usually “good on paper equals nightmare every area else”, by now you can kind of see where this is going huh? Well trust me there’s a twist in this story that has left me perplexed.
I know you’re probably thinking “why didn’t you listen to your instincts?” Well it’s the same reason why we waste money on lottery tickets and say to ourselves “I don’t have to set my alarm, I’ll get up with enough time to get ready.” I thought to myself “what if?” Come on, there are countless romantic comedies and love stories revered with the premise that one of the lovers detested or wasn’t initially attracted to the other. There was Steve Urkel and Laura Winslow who wound up together in the end, Kyle Barker and Maxine Shaw and my personal favorite, Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert but the reality is this, neither Steve, Kyle nor Dwayne was a complete and utter asshole.
After countless DM’s, curse Yo Gotti for that damned song, he eventually asked for my phone number. Although I’m the younger character in this melodramatic waste of days, I’m the old-fashioned one because I expected a phone call with the possibility of an actual conversation. But you know what they say about expectations. The phone call never occurred instead it was a long string of unfulfilling texts. Truth be told unless conversations are inserted, texts ain’t shit. Usually guys who only text me wind up not even having their numbers programmed into my phone and I refer to them as “numbers of nothingness”. He was no exception. Throughout a week’s worth of texts, my instincts became more vocal. Louder the volume increased and instead of a whisper, I got brief conversations in my head saying things like “why bother?” and “he’s too old for this shit.” I didn’t mute my instincts this go around but instead I decided to bargain with them. I told them that I’d keep their advice in mind because I had actual people in my life advising me to go ahead and meet the guy once he asked for the opportunity.
The meeting was requested and I agreed. As a Pisces, even though I am very blunt there is a component of my psyche that’s the eternal optimist. The chips can be completely down against me and I still will keep that hope alive, kind of like with my love life. LOL! So I started to talk to my instincts “maybe in person I’ll actually be attracted to him” or “maybe there will be a really good vibe and we can build upon it, who knows?” Well from the first time I laid eyes on him there came a pro and a con. The pro was my initial instincts are still very reliable and the con was that my lack of physical attraction had no possibility of growing or changing based on looks alone. Simply he wasn’t my type. I didn’t see him as repulsive but there were some things that just don’t tickle my fancy. The meeting occurred and I acted like I normally act, I speak only when necessary, I answer questions as honestly as I should and I listen attentively. But just like I was not attracted to him physically, the vibe wasn’t happening either. My instincts were hovering over my head looking down at me saying “when will you ever learn?” The meeting wasn’t tiring and it ended as pleasantly as it could in such dry conditions. By the end I felt relieved because I then could compare my instincts to Jordan in the 4th quarter, pure clutch! This was reassuring because I’d been telling my friends and family this for quite some time.
The Aftermath—Day of Certainty
A day passed and there was no communication from the guy and I believed I was in the clear but again, like many times in this scenario, my thoughts were wrong, not my instincts. I hear from Mr. Habitual Texter again. He interrupted me while I was sharing a special moment with my family in the memory of my dear sweet friend for whom I dedicate this blog to whenever I write. Saturdays serve as the Sabbath day for Jews and on this Saturday it would be my day of certainty because my instincts were about to be solidified as complete and utter sureness that this guy wasn’t worth any of my time and that he isn’t an awesome guy that would be great for another awesome girl but an asshole instead. This guy had the nerve to body shame me via text. Yes, you read that line correctly. He didn’t truly know me. Had only met me once and had the nerve to question me about my diet and exercise as it relates to my existence of a slight tummy. Yeah, that’s definitely the way to a woman’s heart. You speak negatively about what she eats, her work out habits and points out a physical imperfection that she has. I hadn’t felt so disrespected by the opposite sex in all of my life.
Initially, I responded in a way that if he had any intelligence he would’ve retracted that statement or chosen a different choice of words but that asshole decided to continue to ask me “have I always had a belly” and then my fury grew. I was pissed, my first thought was to cuss his ass out but I chose not to. I responded in a sarcastic way that let him know that he’d crossed a line but of course this asshole didn’t offer an apology or anything to cushion the blow but continued with his dialogue that would soon turn into a monologue because I listened to my instincts 100% clearly this go around and I choose not to ever respond to him. Just like I thought he wasn’t worth my time in the beginning I know he isn’t worth my response in the end. I pride myself on being many things and one of those things is that I am not is petty. But I could be.
Since he felt the need to point out my physical imperfection that I’m working on, I could’ve been petty and asked him the following: “Have you always had a LeBron hairline or did you choose to embrace that since 2003?” “Do you always buy your suits from the Steve Harvey Linen Collection or did you have a gift certificate for the one in your profile pic?” “What exactly are those things that you are growing on your head because they aren’t really dreads, so is there a new male hair experiment out that I’m not hip to or what?” “Did you choose not to get braces as a child or did you intend to have spaces between all of your teeth?” “Do you naturally have a stroll that resembles the Madagascar penguins or is that just something that you’re trying out?” “Are you seriously discussing my body when you have a rectangular bod?” “Did anyone ever tell you that you bear a striking resemblance to the late Sherman Helmsley?” But I chose not to be petty and simply not to respond. Clearly he’s no Trey Songz to be ridiculing the way anyone looks out of turn, especially since I didn’t ask and he isn’t an expert on how a woman’s body should look with her changed lifestyle.
Days of Silence
Upon my day of certainty I chose to embrace military silence. On the Sabbath when we worship in church, I got a word from church about acceptance which I applied to myself and while having lunch with a friend, the asshole texted me in a casual tone like he didn’t say some screwed up shit to me the day before. But instead of allowing him to mess up my Sunday, I continued my military silence and didn’t respond. I accept the fact that I’m a work in progress and that even though a guy has certain accomplishments that still doesn’t mean he’s awesome, I accept the fact that he’s an asshole.
Another day passed and the asshole continued his textual monologue with a stupid ass question “are we still cool?”. Really? Had he been someone that I actually cared about or who had invested some real time in getting to know me before he was critical of my appearance then maybe I would’ve dignified him with a response. I wasn’t the one contacting you nor asking to meet your ass. But instead I listened completely to my instincts and said nothing. A man can have nothing in terms of money and have a heart of gold while a man can have a respectful career and somewhat of an image and be a complete and utter asshole. There’s a thin line and it’s been defined for me. I hope you’ve realized it for you and despite any imperfection that you may have, don’t let any man or anyone try and make you feel that you are inadequate by pointing out such.
In January I lost a dear sweet friend of mine who would’ve never pointed out any imperfection of mine unless specifically asked and we’d known each other since we were friends. In fact, a common misconception of me being a stuck up girl, was a driving point for our closeness. He loved me and understood my standoffishness when dealing with people because he knew that I rely heavily on my instincts and when my instincts aren’t happy, neither am I. August 27th would’ve been your 31st birthday and I realized that although you are physically gone, I need to listen to the lessons you taught me that will stay with me forever. You taught me to embrace individuality and focus on those who wants to love and care for you and to let go of the ones who seek to tear you down in any capacity. Rest in Love, Rest in Peace my dear, sweet, crazy, funny, dependable, loving friend EJ, if every man had a little bit more of you and less asshole, there’d be far more happy women out there! I miss you and tons, you and Papi be good up there and tell Mary to put the Pepsi away.